Life, with a slice of humble pie.

"Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you."

Ephesians 4:32

This has been a hard daycare week for me. I take wipes in on Monday, he needs more wipes on Wednesday. I take milk in on Monday, he needs more milk Wendesday. He has had food literally caked on his clothes every day that Ive picked him up. My patience is wearing thin. My grace is wearing thin, and I didn't have a lot of that to start with. When I'm complaning about my unmet, unrealistic expectations though, who is that benefitting? When I can find something to complain about literally every day with Benton's daycare, how confident am I in their service and how serious are they taking my every complaint? I don't want to be the boy who cried wolf. I called my sister this morning on the way to work to tell her I had confronted them about Benton's clothes. I was expecting a "yeah, you tell them, you go girl!" rally because she is honestly my biggest supporter and usually stands behind me (when it is a fair and just cause). What I got was Jesus using Jordy to show me I wasn't "doing what Jesus would do". She explained to me they haven't done anything to hurt him or make him sick, he's taken care of and I don't have to worry all day at work about it, and clothes are just material things. There are real issues and then there are "things". Was this "thing" really worth bringing up to the same girl who was alone with 8 babies yesterday because someone unexpectedly quit without any notice leaving her to fend for her life with the 19 month old beasts that they are. I don't know if you've ever tried to pacify and entertain a 19 month old all day long, but they are like a bomb of emotion just waiting to get treaded over. She had 8. It was literally like that game where you would click little boxes hoping you didn't land on the bomb all day long for her. Was that "thing" an unexpected side effect of a 19 month old feeding himself? In his classroom they're learning how to eat with utensils on their own with help from the teachers. Not only am I not giving her grace, but I'm not giving Benton any grace either by expecting him to have clean clothes when I return at the end of the day. Roll your eyes if you want, but I HATE being that mom at Wal-mart with kids who look like they've never seen a bath in their life. That's a whole different story though full of 2 week old kool-aid mustaches, grocery store feet, and dirty nails. Its little "things" like this that I am a little excessive about with Benton's appearance. Anyways, was this "thing" something Jesus would have brought attention to? Not at all. Benton has a closet full of other clean clothes. It's a simple change of clothes from his diaper bag. Clothes are washable. I got to work after feeling really convicted from my conversation with Jordy and just prayed. "Lord, please give me the patience and understanding with these girls. Please give me strength to give them grace in their job as I know I am also not perfect with just 1 child". I prayed for the girls to have a better day with the babies we hold so dear. I prayed for the girls to raise their spirits back up to before I walked into their classroom. I prayed for them to forgive me for being overbearing. The weight of all my requests layed at Jesus feet overwhelmed me with an urgency to call and let them know I was sorry and I deeply appreciated their time and love for taking care of Benton. Crying on the phone, asking for forgiveness to the same person you just had a "come to Jesus" meeting with- thats a real come to Jesus meeting. See what happens when you come to Jesus for guidance? He shows you His example of humility in the greatest way to achieve His glory in your prideful ways.

Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.
James 5:16

"I can do all this through him who gives me strength."
Philippians 4:13

We've all heard this verse before, maybe we've even recited it when we're facing a tough situation. How often are we really, truly, saying this with a heart that is confident in His power and what He is capable of bringing about though? Today in our bible study at work we focused on what it means to have confidence in the Lord and it really hit home to me. I've had an extremely hard time when presenting a request in actually presenting it with a heart that is confident in the Lord. I've found myself, more so than I'd like to admit, saying "Lord, if you're there and you're listening, could you possibly help me because I think you could help me out with this maybe..". It's embarrassing to see how much of a coward I actually am though when I am facing the Lord, just He and I. Why am I afraid of my maker? The One who truly loves me in an unconditional, intangible way? The One who loves me so much, he sent his only son to wrap me up in salvation and wash away my sins, all while Jesus traumatically hung on the cross for me? Me, a sinner unworthy of even a breath in his presence. The word tells us in Hebrews 4:16 to "approach God's throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need". Am I walking in with my head held high, looking up at the face who I call Father when I approach him or am I walking in whispering with my head pointed at the ground? What about how confident I am in what I can do through him? Am I confident that every single action within His plan for me is achievable or am I just simply hoping that He gives me mercy and takes pity on my flightless dreams once in a while? I want to be that girl who knows her God will come through in every situation, despite every hurdle I have to jump, because according to His word, which we know to be true, if God is for us, who can be against us (Romans 8:31). 

I struggle on a daily basis in knowing God is good all of the time, and all of the time God is good. I have to constantly, almost minute to minute some days, seek out the good in my day when it isn't going accordingly to my self righteous, self seeking, humanly, Earthly ways. I forget that I'm not on this Earth to make Raven happy. I am on this Earth so I can serve my God, be an example of His light, His mercy, His unending forgiveness. I have been broken and I have strayed from the Lord during my 26 year walk with him time and time again, but each time he has turned on a lamp at my feet to guide me back into His loving arms. He has never once thrown in the towel on me or cast me away. He loves us, oh how He loves us.. If you can't call being constantly forgiven good,  then I don't know what is. Having someone to constantly take on your burdens, your worries, your fears.. Having someone to constantly provide for you, bless you, send His mercies.. I'm just taken away at how good He truly is in my life when I least deserve it. I see sad posts about babies who are sick, family members who have passed, nations at war and I ask "God, why? How can you be doing a good thing right now"? I was sitting in our weekly bible study at work one time when the speaker was talking about watching his friend die at the hospital. He talked about how the situation didn't look good from where he was standing. He then explained that God isn't looking at the situation from where we're standing though, he is looking at it from where he is seated on his throne. What a great image I can picture of me just standing, worrying, while God is simply seated and looking at not just this moment, but the future in which he has worked out every event for the good, for some purpose.. 

How quick I am to be like Peter and lose my faith when challenged with even a simple excerpt from a book.Cory's sister in law posted a picture on Instagram from a book by Jefferson Bethke, Jesus > Religion, and it pertained to Jeremiah 29:11. It went as follows: "These verses say that God has a beautiful plan for our lives, that were precious and unique snowflakes, and that when we wait on him, he'll raise us up on wings of eagles. Are these verses true? Yes. But not in the way we might think. God does have a great plan for our lives, but it probably isn't our plan. In the early years of Christianity, most Christians were enemies of the state, and some were used as food for the animals in the Roman gladiator games. So next time you quote those verses, remind yourself that they were just as true for the people having their flesh ripped apart by lions as they are for you. Would you be down with God if that was his plan for your welfare?". As soon as I read it, my first thought as childish as it seems, was "is everything I've ever read about my maker and His goodness a lie"? For days upon days I went back and forth and struggled that Jeremiah 29:11 says, clearly, that He has plans for a hope and future for my life that is prosperous. That must mean I will eventually get that shiny black Volvo XC90 with a "soccer mom" sticker as I pull into the garage of my 5 bedroom carpenter house and walk in to kiss my perfect husband with roses in his hand for me, right?  I had to talk to Macie. I HAD to message her and ask her about this book that had me all in turmoil that my God wasn't a good God anymore. Thank you Macie for being not only a friend, but someone I can walk through life in Christ with and come to for reassurance. Her explanation nailed it. "It is very hard to read for people who have always heard those verses and took them to heart but not put the entire context into play... Don't think that God isn't working for your good! He is. It's just not always your physical good but rather your spiritual good. Gods ultimate goal in anything he does is to bring glory to himself. Our salvation is a gift and yes he loves and pursues his children but ultimately he longs for himself to be glorified! Remember that he literally stranded Israel in a desert for 40 years just to show them their need for him! You should read the book and really ask God to reveal his heart to you. I know that's what I'm having to do". I can see Jesus calling to me just like he did in Matthew 14:31, "you of little faith, why do you doubt me"? Why did I doubt him over a book I hadn't even read? Just the thought of it is ludicrous. I was forgiven for that too by the way - just in case there was any question.

Tonight Lord, I just want to thank you for always giving me the grace to stumble and come running back to you when I fall and skin my knees after I didn't listen to your words as you were trying to warn me of future hurt. Thank you for loving me, for always being good, and for always giving me strength in you when I need it the most. You are good all of the time, and all of the time you are good.