"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up."
Galatians 6:9
Jesus. I wish I could adequately spill out everything on my heart. I just feel overwhelmed with so many inadequacies today. I read this verse earlier though and it really stuck out and put things into perspective.
The other day in church our pastor touched on this same chapter and subject, but I wasn't sure how I was supposed to apply it to every day life. You don't really think about what you're sowing when you're sowing it, or at least you don't think about it in terms of sowing anything. But as I read the devotional today from Proverbs 31, it spoke on the same subject: sowing and reaping. Is this you, Lord? Is this you reminding me of Your word? That every word you spoke into life means something at some point, we just have to pay attention?
I'll show you what I mean.
Serving the Lord:
I have been praying and praying and praying about this one. Praying so much that I was at the point of not praying about it anymore because it just doesn't seem like it's being heard or answered or even considered. That would go against my faith though because I KNOW he bends down to hear me. Psalm 116:2 says "because he bends down to listen, I will pray as long as I have breath". Some girls know SO clearly that they're working in and through the Lord for those around them. They KNOW their calling. Their words and their actions reflect that of Christ. They can't help but serve the Lord in everything they do because that's just their life. Their prayers flow loudly and freely, they're mouth pours out kindness, their actions hold back any rashness. They just ooze their faith like Jesus' blood down the cross. I am not one of those girls. Reflecting my faith just doesn't come that easy for me. It's something I really struggle with, especially when I don't hear or see a reaction from the Lord like I hoped I would. I start doubting. I start wondering. I start thinking he doesn't hear me. I start overthinking things and manipulating outcomes. It's something I am aware of though and can actively change as I progress in my faith. I think you only gain this kind of confidence by constantly being in the word because that's where you find the Lord's reassurance the most. I can sow my time with the Lord and reap the benefits of his reassurance. It's something you have to be aware of. It's something you have to ask yourself. "Where am I sowing my time and what benefits will it reap once I am finished"? I know I'm not reaping much form my time with Facebook or Instagram, most of the time I am left with more feelings of inadequacy. I know I serve a purpose though, I wasn't just placed here on Earth to take up space. We are all fearfully and wonderfully made, we were all set apart before we were born. We all have a purpose in the grand scheme of our Father's plan. I may not know what that calling is yet, but I can still sow my time with the Lord while I wait for Him to use me.
Fellowship:
Another issue I have prayed and prayed about but still don't feel like I'm receiving any kind of answer. I have been in Cleveland for 8 months now and yet to have made any friends, let me rephrase that - even ONE friend. I've YET to connect in church, in a small group, in a moms group, with coworkers, or for that matter, even a mom with desperation in her eyes from her lack of fellowship outside the walls of her house and outside of her toddler's "The Shining" stir-craze. I feel like I'm starting to date agin, only with friendships. Where do you even go to make friends now? I am way past meeting someone at school or at an extracurricular activity, I hang out at the mecca meeting place for moms- Chik-Fil-A and the playgrounds in Cleveland. I see the same moms at church on Sunday as I drop Benton off but never make any small talk or real talk with them. I go to church on Sunday's and rarely see the same face sitting next to me. So where do you find fellowship in a church that has thousands of members? Where do you begin to build upon a relationship when you never see the same person twice? It seems like there is a generational gap for outreach in mine and Cory's season of life- newlywed, toddler parents. I've reached out to our church trying to find a small group of women about my age who meet weekly to talk about Jesus and pray together. Nothing. Not being in the church or a small group really puts a hindrance on growing in your faith because where else do you get to mostly grow with accountability and fellowship? The church body and in small groups. I also don't connect with the sermons I am hearing preached right now. It's just like it doesn't reach to my soul. I'm left wondering what I am making for lunch or what chores I have left to do. Where is the disconnect in connecting at church? This church is familiar though and the childcare is phenomenal so I hate to give up just because I can't apply our pastors message to my life. He is more theological than anything and I get lost in all of his explanations of the background instead of being able to understand the actual message. I keep pressing forward though know at least I am making an effort. If I can continue to sow my seeds at this church, hopefully, eventually, it will reap benefits of an actual church family. Outside of your personal family, that is the next most important family.
Finance:
I think for every dollar we save, we spend ten more dollars trying to repair or over committing ourselves to activities that come up. This has been a hard season financially. It's been one of repairing, fixing up, preparing, paying off, and cutting back. It has been TOUGH. Feeding the flesh is one of my biggest vices and when you have to cut back on all of the entertainment, the Facebook scrolling to save data, the eating out because you love Chik-Fil-A so much, the decorations at Hobby Lobby to make your house a home, it gets hard! Sometimes it feels like we are just treading water waiting for the next surprise that we didn't budget for, Cory says owning a house is just one big money pit. This is my first rodeo with owning so I'm not used to constantly have to reach in my own pocket to repair. Every penny is being accounted for in our budget right now and let me tell you, it is convicting! You start seeing how much money you've wasted on stupid purchases that didn't seem to add up in your mind but speak loud and clear in Excel. Pretty much every penny is being allocated somewhere so there isn't a lot of idle money in our account. There has been a lot of picking and choosing and reprioritizing. Bless my selfless husbands heart because a lot of his priorities are the ones that keep getting bumped further and further on the back burner. It has been a very self disciplined season that we both know will yield benefits later. Hopefully better meals on the table from my hands as well with all of this cooking I am doing at home. Poor Benton has just been pushing food around a lot of nights lately as I learn and grow. But I know financially, we are sowing our seeds for a better future for both Benton and for ourselves when he leaves the house. Cory is taking on more at work to hopefully reap the benefits of his Masters degree one day. I've been really sowing at work as well and hoping I reap the benefits later. It's hard to do though when one month you sell $24,000 and the next $191.00. I continue to sow though. I continue to choose the challenging quotes to hopefully reap the most reward as I put in the hard work it takes to get them done. Hopefully the Lord sees that my work is for something and he rewards us for those tough days at work trying to sell something to bring home a little more to savings than just hourly pay. Although I am incredibly thankful for the opportunity I have without commission don't get me wrong. This job has really been a blessing as hard as it is to see some days and the Lord continues to meet our provisional needs.
Proverbs 31 Wife/Mom:
Y'all, can we be honest here? We're all friends right? I am FAR from a Provers 31 wife. I sleep in until 7 and rise with the rest of my family. Cory makes Benton breakfast as well as packs mine becasue I slept in until the last minute. He assumes all responsibility of Benton in the mornings while I roam around the house trying to get it together, all while seemingly waiting to board the struggle-bus oustide my door. I cook, my husband cleans up. He cleans and I give Benton a bath or vice versa. I have been trying to really be aware of my duty as a wife and a mom though. I have been trying to do these things before he gets a chance to as I know he works just as hard during the day as myself. He is truly the definition of a partner and I get spoiled in actually not having to do all that I SHOULD. I've been really trying to be proactive in how I handle every day chores and duties. I try to be GRATEFUL for having these chores to begin with. A house to clean, clothes to wash, dishes to wash, a floor to sweep. I've been trying to be more interested in cooking even though that comes as a struggle to me. I'm not a good cook and I know this. I've never had to cook. My family consists of primarily women and I am the baby. But I've tried to have a better attitude and more confidence while doing it because I know that it's a luxury to get to cook and eat every night in a lot of the world. I dream about having girlfriends over to sip freshly brewed coffee and snack on hot and steamy baked goods that I made with my on hands. I dream about having a house to entertain at. We've been fixing up our house to entertain all of the friends we don't even have. That's how much I am pleading with the Lord for fellowship with women in my season of life, better cooking skills, and more gratitude for the house we do have. I will say though that Joanna Gaines is giving away a free bedroom or living room and I couldn't find a reason why we needed it. Our house is really coming together right now as we move from room to room with decorating. I want to be that mom who hosts the whole baseball team because we have the best snacks and coolest house - although Cory and I have a lot to work on for coolest parents haha. I've been praying for the Lord to change me into more of a servant and less of a leader. I'm going to start rising earlier to get my family ready because I am blessed with having that role. I'm going to start rising and praying for my family so I can bring a sense of peace to our hectic morning rush. This has also been a season of sacrifice not just in finances, but in my selfishness too. I want my identity to match what the Lord spells out in those verses in Proverbs 31. I've really been trying to be grateful for the hard moments I face with my family as I know that will bring a stronger change about me. Im just praying for a true identity change of sowing and the reaping that comes along with it. Maybe the Lord actually is speaking to me in our messages at church when I don't feel like I am getting it.
All I know is I am sowing all of the seeds I can in every aspect of my life to reap the blessings that the Lord offers if I just give Him my time.
Maybe this will help you sow your seeds a little better as well.
You reap what you sow, right?
