When love isn't enough..

Love is patient, love is kind. 

It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.

It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails

1st Corinthians 13:4-8

I'd love to be able to tell you that Cory and I always fight fair. That we stop before we speak and remember the above verses so no harmful words come out to cut the other down to size. When I fight, I am like a machine gun, words just spew out. When Cory fights, he is like a cannon- a lot of effort goes into heating this bad boy up and firing it. He takes a while to get lit and to get fired up. I read on Proverbs 31 the other day in a devotional "I was born with firecrackers in my blood". I couldn't relate more. From the day I came out, I have been passionate, emotional, and hard headed. I can admit that. One verse that should be the start of the above verses are "love is hard". To love someone else all of the time, no matter what, and to be able to see the other side of the storm is HARD. I think any type of love is hard whether its a significant other, a child, or a friendship. It takes a lot of effort. It takes a lot of time. It takes a lot of praying.

As I've told you before in my previous post, this has been the hardest season of my life. Living life with Cory is no exception. As he wraps up his final semesters of his masters, it seems like we are also wrapping up more TNT under our belt with the stresses of the school, my family's issues, us being completely different people, all while balancing a child in the middle of this.  My heart hasn't been so stretched in a long time. I haven't felt so helpless and hopeless in so many nights! It's been in those lonely, quiet nights though that I've come to rely on the Lord the most and hear him whisper "sometime's it takes more than love..".

Sometimes hope takes the reigns of holding a relationship together. I hope that Cory continues to choose me. I hope that Cory sees enough potential in me with my downfalls that he would like to continue to do life with Benton and I. I hope that he can overlook my crabby tendencies and see that I am just a woman who is tired from all the world has thrown at her these past few months. I am a mom who is learning how to navigate a toddler with just as much passion and defiance as myself. I am learning how to be a better Christian in all aspects of my life. I am learning how to be content when our love has taken a break from the butterflies and rainbows. I am learning that sometimes Cory has to sacrifice time in our relationship to finish his school work and its not a personal thing. I've had to rely on a lot of hope lately to make it with Cory. "I hope we have a better day tomorrow..", "I hope he is more loving tomorrow..", "I hope I have more patience with him tomorrow..", "I hope he eventually decides to make more of a commitment to me". These are just a few of the many times I have had to hold on to hope for dear life because truth be told, I don't always feel like loving Cory. I don't always feel like respecting Cory. I don't always feel like honoring Cory. When Cory hasn't shown me affection or attention during the week like I expect because the strains of work and school have pulled him too thin, being loving is the last thing on my mind. When he doesn't deliver on any part of our relationship like I think he should, I feel less like loving and more like leaving. Also another truth that's painful to admit - I've wanted to leave a lot. It's in those moments of leaving that I think "love doesn't fail". The Bible doesn't say "sometimes love perseveres", it says it always perseveres. There isn't a fight you bring to the Lord that can't be worked out and gotten over with the dependency of relying on Him and a 100% effort from both parties. What if the Lord left me every time I didn't meet his expectations? What if the Lord left me when I didn't show him enough of my attention? What if the Lord hadn't of felt like loving me the day he was to be crucified? We were made in His image because He is the perfect example in all things, especially in love never failing.

I wonder how many times hope has made Cory stay? I wonder how many times Cory has thought "I hope she isn't as crabby tomorrow", "I hope she doesn't find something to complain about tomorrow", "I hope she doesn't ignore me tomorrow", "I hope we make it through the night".. When Cory is at his lowest point and isn't the easiest to love, that's when I realize he needs me the most. I, as his partner, am there to lift him up when his burdens are too heavy to carry. I am there to see the best in him when he is only showing me his worst. If I am to love others as God has commanded me to do, I am to love Cory in these times when my bags are packed and my heart is already out the door. That's the time when God knew we needed his command of hope the most. If it were just up to love, I'm not so sure I would've stayed sometimes. Cory and I aren't married yet, and we have mountains to overcome I'm sure, but I look forward to the day I stand before him and vow to love him and be a partner to him for the rest of our lives. When I can look back and see "I'm here with him because I didn't let our love fail and because I hoped this day would come".

I work with truckers. These men are gone from their wives most of the week. The best advice I have been given, and trust me when I say I have heard it all, is a relationship is never 50/50. A relationship always has to be 100/100. A person can never be half committed for a relationship to work. You can't half commit with your faithfulness to one another, even if you are apart most of the time. If you're half way cheating- you're all the way cheating. The Bible says in Matthew 5:27-28 "you have heard that it was said, 'you shall not commit adultery.' But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart". This doesn't just go for men either. It applies to women. It says in Proverbs 6:32 "he who commits adultery lacks sense; he who does it destroys himself". Cory is tempted with women every day. That is the world we live in. A sexual, perverse world where any time we want a lustful sight, it's readily available. It makes me want to vomit when I think about how broken and lonely the girls in the porn industry are and how much more loved they are with their clothes on in the eyes of our maker. It makes me vomit when I think about the way men dehumanize women to meet their lustful imagination. It makes me vomit that because of lustful people, this is actually an industry where people make money. How many broken marriages and relationships because of a lustful moment. I hope he rises above that temptation. I hope that instead, he chooses to love me and honor me and respect the boundaries within our relationship. I haven't always had the best dating record. I've always chosen the ones who thought 50/100 was the best commitment. They thought that saying "I love you" right after fixes "I slept with so and so". I hope that Cory is above that when the time comes for him to make that decision. I hope he is the one who sets the standard for me. I hope that he chooses to hold himself accountable and respect the women who are so desperately seeking to be loved that they fall into the traps of porn just so they can get the feeling they get from a man looking at them. My heart honestly breaks for those women and for the men who objectify them. I really hate the excuse "men have different sex drives than women". No where does it say God made man a companion just so his sexual desires would be met 100% of the time. God made Eve so Adam wouldn't be lonely. Its in those lonely nights that men usually tend to fall into the traps of pornography or prostitution or taking advantage of women. I hope Cory never forgets how loved he is when those lonely nights come rolling in. I hope he knows that I honor him, I respect him, and I long to meet every expectation he has when the time is right and we are married. I just want him to be above the standard of men that we see today.. 

I hope he can hold himself accountable because I'm not always there to show him my loving ways. 

I hope he can remember that I always love him, because I don't always feel like showing him I love him.

I hope he can see that God calls him to be a better man for todays society, not just me. 

Its not enough to just love Cory.

I hope and pray for him every night,  but especially those nights that I don't feel like loving him. When I don't feel like loving him, he can rest assured there is a man upstairs who has been pursuing him since the day he was born and he will always feel like loving him. When I can't forgive Cory for his wrong doing, there is a man upstairs who forgives and forgets Cory's downfalls. I hope that Cory sees what a role model he has to look to in all situations when he is struggling if he opens the Bible. I hope that Cory can rise above todays society of men and be the example that Benton and I need as well as other women who are just looking at him.

Enough.

"For am I seeking the approval of man or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ."

Galatians 1:!0

Y'all. This has been a hard week for me. The past 2 weeks have been pretty hard for me to be honest. No, actually, the past few months have actually been some of the hardest months I think I have had to endure and fight through and really look to see the goodness of God and how he is at work. From back in the fall seeing my mom recover from an abusive relationship that landed her in the hospital with over 50 stitches, broken bones, concussion, etc, to treading through deep mud with other family issues, to my Nana having a stroke this past week and watching to see how she will recover, to dealing with the demons fighting me about Benton being in daycare, to Cory and I having typical relationship squalls.. Man. This has been a tough season of life. 

I've recently started reading and really taking in the book of Job to see how I can better praise Him in the storms instead of wanting to give up on seeing his goodness. But that's not what this particular post is about. This post is about really digging deep in my insecurities to see that I am enough in God's eyes despite where I fall short in other's eyes. I guess it kind of ties in though to WHY I've felt so tested in all of the other parts of my life though- because I didn't think I was good enough for them NOT to happen to me.

For some reason, I got this invitation to the biggest pity party of the year and I decided it would be a really great decision to attend. Instead of throwing it in the garbage, I hung up this invitation on my fridge and just relinquished in it every day sinking deeper and deeper into this pit of sadness. It has been a steady dig in the trenches trying to find my way back out but I can finally see the light again I think. 

I have recently found myself answering "because they didn't see me as good enough" in a lot of problems I have been facing. That is my first go to thought. THEY didn't see me as worth enough before they said what they did, acted how they did, etc. I put the consequences of someone else's actions on my shoulders and carry it around like I had some kind of say so to begin with before they acted. My oh my, this burden has weighed my heart down, my spirit down, and my love down. Our free will is always the downfall of man. It's an ultimate lose lose situation. Sin is human nature. Our free will is naturally to choose sin, temptation, the broken path. It isn't often we stop and have the patience to wait on God. He must be a busy man with all of the working out problems He does from free will. I forget that maybe people just act on impulse without considering anyone but themselves. Not only are we sinful in nature, but most of us are selfish in nature. We don't consider other people's feelings before we indulge in self satisfaction. We don't think about the consequences to others while we're in the act of committing a sin. It isn't until after the deed has been done (whatever the deed is) that we realize. Our generation is the greatest example of  "it's easier to ask for forgiveness than for permission". It's taken a long time to realize that not everything is always my fault. Some people you just can't please. Some people you will never be enough no matter what you do. Some people will just always walk out without looking back.

I have this bad tendency of sometimes doing whatever is necessary to gain others approval just so I don't lose them. I give in. I play along. I forgive when deep down I am hurting to the core. I do things I otherwise wouldn't do so people don't walk away. 

I recently read Jefferson Bethke's book Jesus>Religion and he said the following:

"Of course, none of us would admit it so plainly, and for nineteen years of my life, I wouldn't have either, but isn't it true? Why else do we do most of the things we do? My generation is the most fatherless and insecure generation that's ever lived, and we are willing to sacrifice everything if we just can be told we are loved."

Wow. This one hit home. High school was hard for me. Extremely hard. Some of the worst memories I have in a time that was supposed to be my best. College wasn't much better. I was searching for ANYONE to just accept me and love me unconditionally, as broken as I was. This has been a constant battle in my life of recognizing Satan's voice verses God's redemption. 

. I never kept in mind I already have someone who loves me. Someone who never walked away. Someone who never chose another girl over me. Someone who never chose drugs or alcohol over me. Someone who never chose money over me. Someone who never chose himself over me. His name is Jesus. 

I was made for a purpose. I am fearfully and wonderfully made according to him and I know his word to always be true. Wonderfully. I am wonderfully made in someone else's eyes.

I have and will always be enough for him. He never stops pursuing me no matter who else passes by. In His eyes, Kate Upton and I are on the same level. He loves me and adores me just as much as he adores the girl who has always known his love for her. Mindblowing. I don't HAVE to have the perfect body. I don't HAVE to have the funniest jokes. I don't HAVE to lay down my morals for him to want me. I don't HAVE to be able to quote the entire bible word for word. He wants me as is. I am enough for him. It's a good feeling knowing I can let go of everyone else's expectations that I, in my mind, think I am supposed to meet. I don't have to worry about how I wasn't good enough and that's why _____ happened. If ____ wants to leave, its not because I'm not good enough. I am enough in my makers eyes. I am enough as a person. I am enough as a mom. 

"Everyday I wrestle with the voices that keep telling me I'm not right but that's alright;

cause I hear a voice and He calls me redeemed when other say I'll never be enough,

and greater is the One living inside of me than he who is living in the world,

there'll be days I lose the battle, grace says that it doesn't matter cause the cross already won the war,

He's greater,

I am learning to run freely, understanding just how he sees me, and it makes me love Him more and more."

Greater- Mercy Me