How I let 30 minutes ruin God's provisions.

"Lord, please provide me with a new job and a new daycare for this new season in my family's life."

That was my prayer for I know at least 2 months prior to September. Fast forward to September 10 and here I am three days into my new job. He provided. He met the expectations I prayed for. But what He provided also runs over 30 minutes from what I deem "working hours". It cuts into my mothering job in picking Benton up from daycare. It cuts into my mothering job of having dinner on the table. It moves Benton's bedtime 30 minutes later when some days, I wish it was 30 minutes earlier! What he provided is a church daycare where Benton's room is the size of a small shed out back that doesn't even serve breakfast. 

God answered my prayers though, right? He met my provisions though, right?

Shouldn't I be satisfied there?

Shouldn't I look upon His provisions with thankfulness?

I feel like these last few days have been met with dread instead of thankfulness. It was Tuesday that I started this new job and things just weren't going how I planned in my mind. Drop off with Benton was a little hectic as it was his first day and we got there too early for the director or his teacher to be there. We forgot some of the stuff required in his new room. We didn't get to explain his milk allergy and what the affects are if he has milk. I get to work and the HR lady wasn't there nor was the lady I am training with. Every job I have had prior to this one wasn't really a challenge therefore I didn't expect this one to be much of a challenge. 8 hours later and I first call Cory in tears first, and then I call my trusty, always on my side, sister Jordy to complain about my day and how horrid my hours were. Could she believe I had to work until 8:30?? I can be a little overdramatic I know. It's just 30 minutes. (Have you ever sat through Ooltewah traffic in rush hour during those 30 minutes though?..) Anyway, in the midst of complaining to my sister, she tells me something personal and immediately stops me in my pity party. She has a serious, warranted disappointing day and here I am complaining because I can't work the hours I want. I had to check myself and realize that for one, I have a job. For two, I have a job that offered me a pay raise as well as a shorter commute everyday. How can I do anything but shout from the roof my praises to God for His provisions? It always takes someone else's downfall to see your blessings when you're straying from your relationship with God. That's sin. Comparing and temptation is what Satan wants from you. He not only wants your disappointment in God, he needs it to thrive like we need water or air. I've been so busy moving, stressing about new jobs and daycares, etc that my relationship has been pretty nonexistent except for the quick "thank you Lord" prayers I shoot up during my morning commute. I run down the list of things I am thankful for: my healthy child, my fiancé (which is a whole different topic below) who loves me, my friends, my vehicle, my move, etc. Not once though is this new job in there. Neither is the new daycare that God supplied.

God and disappointment do not go together. They just can't coincide. It's our own human nature that says God disappointed in his provisions because He didn't provide exactly what we imagined. I let myself be disappointed because I didn't get what my expectations were in my prayers. I started doubting myself. I started blaming Cory. "I gave up everything for you.. my great job, my great daycare, my friends at work- all to be with you". How selfish of me to first of all place my happiness in Cory. He isn't in charge of ensuring I am happy, although he does a very incredible job of making me happy. My happiness though doesn't solely stem from him. My happiness also comes from myself, my relationship with Christ, focusing on the good instead of the bad. Second of all, Cory didn't force me to move. Cory didn't force me to give up anything. I chose this. This was the next step for our relationship that I had prayed about for 2 years now. Again, our great God provided this provision for our relationship. Man, how I prayed, cried, threw tantrums, gotten angry, and even given up on praying while waiting to move forward in being Cory's wife instead of just his girlfriend and here it is without me being able to do anything but focus on what I had given up instead of what I had gained. God commands to leave your family to start a new family in Matthew 19:4-6 - "Haven't you read,' He replied, 'that He who created them in the beginning made them male and female, and He also said: For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two will become one flesh? So they are no longer two, but one flesh?". This is such a sweet, sweet season in mine and Cory's relationship as we become one. I have dreamed about this day since I had Benton and we sat up at night face timing by Benton's bilirubin light. I knew pretty quickly this was who I wanted to be Benton's role model as well as my partner in life. He had watched me in my worst but still saw the best in me. He encouraged me, prayed for me, had patience with me, but most of all, he fought for me. He never once gave up or let me give up. In thinking about this, I also thought about Ruth leaving behind her familiarities to follow Naomi after becoming a widow. Ruth's words were "do not persuade me to leave you or go back and not follow you. For wherever you go, I will go, and where you live, I will live: your people will be my people and your God will be my God. Where you die, I will die, and there I will be buried. May Yahweh punish me, and do so severely if anything but death separates you and me" in chapter 1, verses 16-17. This is exactly how I feel about Cory. Wherever Cory's job leads him, I will go. He is my home now. As we say our vows and make a commitment to each other for death do us part, I fully intend on keeping Ruth's promise in only death separating us. That isn't to say I'm not expecting hard times with him, lacking times with him, or whatever else come's with marriage that I haven't encountered- it's just to say that I am making a commitment to follow him, serve him, and love him till the end of my days. This place probably won't be the first place where Cory or the Lord leads that I find unhappy. It's my choice to see the good and be happy in any place I am led. Any change is hard for me. Especially when it comes to moving further away from my family. But in saying those vows to Cory, I'm leaving my family and becoming a family with Cory. At the end of the day, as much love as I have for my family and as much as I will miss them, I will follow and serve diligently as a wife to Cory wherever the Lord leads him. I will support him and build him up in his choices instead of belittling him with how unhappy I am because of what I left behind. He has enough on his plate without my selfishness in being able to see what I gained by leaving. In leaving my job and my daycare setup for Benton, I gained a perfect opportunity to start becoming what God describes a wife should be in Proverbs 31. God was working behind his provisions even before I could sort out my feelings about them. 

Lets point put a few of the points Proverbs 31 describes a wife to be:

• the heart of her husband trusts in her and he will not lack anything good, she rewards him with good, not evil all the days of her life
• she selects wool and flax and works with willing hands
• she rises while it is still night and proves food for her household 
• strength and honor are her clothing and she can laugh at the time to come
• she opens her mouth with wisdom and loving instruction is on her tongue
• she watches over the activities of her household and is never idle
• her sons rise up and call her blessed and her husband also praises her

Man, talk about a standard to live up to! What a perfect time in my life to start practicing these traits and really honing in on them before I become a wife as I sure have plenty that I need to work on before becoming a wife, and even afterwards, to Cory. It's my job as a wife to reward Cory with good, to give him something to look forward to coming home to. Do I think he wants to come home and listen to me complain all night about how much I dislike this season outside of our relationship? No, and what kind of wife would I be to beat him down about what is lacking in my job or my daycare or anything else that he busts his butt to provide for us. I want to be the wife that continually praises Cory and thanks him for the hard work he puts in for our family. I want to be that wife that her husband can trust to go to work bring home money to help with bills with a smile on her face. I want to be a life partner to Cory, not just a wife. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being a stay at home mom, if your salary can afford it without your husband carrying such a stressful burden. Our salary doesn't allow me to comfortably stay at home right now and I am more than willing to contribute to alleviating Cory's stress. Works with willing hands- man that's a tough one. Cory had asked me several times to unpack a box and 2 days later it still sat on the table. He asked one more time and I came up with excuses about being tired, etc. We had worked the same amount of hours, pulled the same weight in caring for Benton, cleaned the kitchen equally after dinner so what gave me more of a reason to sit down than him? All he asked of me was to unpack a box. After thinking about the kind of wife I wanted to be to him, I unpacked the box. As much as I complained in my head, the task wasn't tedious by any means nor did it take much effort on my part and afterwards, it was nice to know I had done something to clear off one of the many plates he had juggled for days. Since Benton's daycare doesn't provide breakfast, Lord knows these past few days have started before the sun has even come up. I have to be honest though, I have felt so accomplished after cooking breakfast for my family. Starting their day off with a loving meal I provided so I knew they didn't go through the morning hungry has actually been such a blessing for me. There is something about taking care of a family that just warms my soul to the center. Now that I am in this position, I know this is what God has called me to do. Strength is a hard one for me. Cory is the strong one in our relationship. I cry like a baby while he stays strong and figures out the solutions for us. I have learned though how to work together as a partner with him in helping figure out solutions that worked for us. In being in this new season of life, I have learned to really rely on my partner to see the good in the changes. Cory has been nothing short of praiseful and encouraging about me working later. He has stepped up the the plate and knocked it out of the park in daddy duties while I am still at work. From calling the daycare to check on Benton to keeping him for an hour until I get home, the Lord has provided where I thought He came up short. I've been beating myself up about not being the one to pick Benton up but truth be told, Benton probably enjoys Cory picking him up more and that time they get together by themselves. I am lucky that we have this opportunity for Cory to be able to get him and love on him a little extra while I can't. Loving instructions.. Whew! Who knew how many instructions had to be given in child care, basic home cleaning, and dinner! And who knew how frustrating it can be to have to explain those things when they come as easily as common sense for me. Cory has never had to run a household though outside of cooking instant mashed potatoes or Ramen noodles. To him, a bag of chips and a Coke is a completely acceptable meal. I have to really keep myself in check with that though because God's provision has been financially in Cory's part of this relationship. He got blessed with the budgeting brain which is something I desperately need. In addressing Cory with how to get dinner going or how to help with Benton, I tend to cut my words really short with a sharp tongue because I just forget his brain doesn't work like mine. This is the perfect season of my life to see exactly how God's provisions are beyond my expectations. When else will I get to practice my wifely duties before becoming a wife? When else can I prove to Cory that just as much as he is a life partner to me, my exact counterpart, I am the same for him. This season of life is more than just my physical changes around me. It has been such an emotional change as well going into these worldly expectations and being greeted instead with God's spiritual expectations for me. It's a sweet season of preparation as I take on running a household, as I take on a new job, as I take on becoming a wife, but more importantly as I take on fully relying on God to open the perfect doors for me. These past few days have been some of the most emotionally challenging, but also the most eye opening as to how truly blessed I really am. I really look forward to seeing how God uses me at this new job with the skills he has equipped me with, how Benton grows with the new daycare that has already proven to be a better fit for him than his last, and how he uses me to finally be a wife to the man of my dreams. I hope instead of complaining about those extra 30 minutes, they serve as a reminder each day of how God's provisions has been more than enough to raise me up as a person, a mom, and a wife in the upcoming months. 

When love isn't enough..

Love is patient, love is kind. 

It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.

It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails

1st Corinthians 13:4-8

I'd love to be able to tell you that Cory and I always fight fair. That we stop before we speak and remember the above verses so no harmful words come out to cut the other down to size. When I fight, I am like a machine gun, words just spew out. When Cory fights, he is like a cannon- a lot of effort goes into heating this bad boy up and firing it. He takes a while to get lit and to get fired up. I read on Proverbs 31 the other day in a devotional "I was born with firecrackers in my blood". I couldn't relate more. From the day I came out, I have been passionate, emotional, and hard headed. I can admit that. One verse that should be the start of the above verses are "love is hard". To love someone else all of the time, no matter what, and to be able to see the other side of the storm is HARD. I think any type of love is hard whether its a significant other, a child, or a friendship. It takes a lot of effort. It takes a lot of time. It takes a lot of praying.

As I've told you before in my previous post, this has been the hardest season of my life. Living life with Cory is no exception. As he wraps up his final semesters of his masters, it seems like we are also wrapping up more TNT under our belt with the stresses of the school, my family's issues, us being completely different people, all while balancing a child in the middle of this.  My heart hasn't been so stretched in a long time. I haven't felt so helpless and hopeless in so many nights! It's been in those lonely, quiet nights though that I've come to rely on the Lord the most and hear him whisper "sometime's it takes more than love..".

Sometimes hope takes the reigns of holding a relationship together. I hope that Cory continues to choose me. I hope that Cory sees enough potential in me with my downfalls that he would like to continue to do life with Benton and I. I hope that he can overlook my crabby tendencies and see that I am just a woman who is tired from all the world has thrown at her these past few months. I am a mom who is learning how to navigate a toddler with just as much passion and defiance as myself. I am learning how to be a better Christian in all aspects of my life. I am learning how to be content when our love has taken a break from the butterflies and rainbows. I am learning that sometimes Cory has to sacrifice time in our relationship to finish his school work and its not a personal thing. I've had to rely on a lot of hope lately to make it with Cory. "I hope we have a better day tomorrow..", "I hope he is more loving tomorrow..", "I hope I have more patience with him tomorrow..", "I hope he eventually decides to make more of a commitment to me". These are just a few of the many times I have had to hold on to hope for dear life because truth be told, I don't always feel like loving Cory. I don't always feel like respecting Cory. I don't always feel like honoring Cory. When Cory hasn't shown me affection or attention during the week like I expect because the strains of work and school have pulled him too thin, being loving is the last thing on my mind. When he doesn't deliver on any part of our relationship like I think he should, I feel less like loving and more like leaving. Also another truth that's painful to admit - I've wanted to leave a lot. It's in those moments of leaving that I think "love doesn't fail". The Bible doesn't say "sometimes love perseveres", it says it always perseveres. There isn't a fight you bring to the Lord that can't be worked out and gotten over with the dependency of relying on Him and a 100% effort from both parties. What if the Lord left me every time I didn't meet his expectations? What if the Lord left me when I didn't show him enough of my attention? What if the Lord hadn't of felt like loving me the day he was to be crucified? We were made in His image because He is the perfect example in all things, especially in love never failing.

I wonder how many times hope has made Cory stay? I wonder how many times Cory has thought "I hope she isn't as crabby tomorrow", "I hope she doesn't find something to complain about tomorrow", "I hope she doesn't ignore me tomorrow", "I hope we make it through the night".. When Cory is at his lowest point and isn't the easiest to love, that's when I realize he needs me the most. I, as his partner, am there to lift him up when his burdens are too heavy to carry. I am there to see the best in him when he is only showing me his worst. If I am to love others as God has commanded me to do, I am to love Cory in these times when my bags are packed and my heart is already out the door. That's the time when God knew we needed his command of hope the most. If it were just up to love, I'm not so sure I would've stayed sometimes. Cory and I aren't married yet, and we have mountains to overcome I'm sure, but I look forward to the day I stand before him and vow to love him and be a partner to him for the rest of our lives. When I can look back and see "I'm here with him because I didn't let our love fail and because I hoped this day would come".

I work with truckers. These men are gone from their wives most of the week. The best advice I have been given, and trust me when I say I have heard it all, is a relationship is never 50/50. A relationship always has to be 100/100. A person can never be half committed for a relationship to work. You can't half commit with your faithfulness to one another, even if you are apart most of the time. If you're half way cheating- you're all the way cheating. The Bible says in Matthew 5:27-28 "you have heard that it was said, 'you shall not commit adultery.' But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart". This doesn't just go for men either. It applies to women. It says in Proverbs 6:32 "he who commits adultery lacks sense; he who does it destroys himself". Cory is tempted with women every day. That is the world we live in. A sexual, perverse world where any time we want a lustful sight, it's readily available. It makes me want to vomit when I think about how broken and lonely the girls in the porn industry are and how much more loved they are with their clothes on in the eyes of our maker. It makes me vomit when I think about the way men dehumanize women to meet their lustful imagination. It makes me vomit that because of lustful people, this is actually an industry where people make money. How many broken marriages and relationships because of a lustful moment. I hope he rises above that temptation. I hope that instead, he chooses to love me and honor me and respect the boundaries within our relationship. I haven't always had the best dating record. I've always chosen the ones who thought 50/100 was the best commitment. They thought that saying "I love you" right after fixes "I slept with so and so". I hope that Cory is above that when the time comes for him to make that decision. I hope he is the one who sets the standard for me. I hope that he chooses to hold himself accountable and respect the women who are so desperately seeking to be loved that they fall into the traps of porn just so they can get the feeling they get from a man looking at them. My heart honestly breaks for those women and for the men who objectify them. I really hate the excuse "men have different sex drives than women". No where does it say God made man a companion just so his sexual desires would be met 100% of the time. God made Eve so Adam wouldn't be lonely. Its in those lonely nights that men usually tend to fall into the traps of pornography or prostitution or taking advantage of women. I hope Cory never forgets how loved he is when those lonely nights come rolling in. I hope he knows that I honor him, I respect him, and I long to meet every expectation he has when the time is right and we are married. I just want him to be above the standard of men that we see today.. 

I hope he can hold himself accountable because I'm not always there to show him my loving ways. 

I hope he can remember that I always love him, because I don't always feel like showing him I love him.

I hope he can see that God calls him to be a better man for todays society, not just me. 

Its not enough to just love Cory.

I hope and pray for him every night,  but especially those nights that I don't feel like loving him. When I don't feel like loving him, he can rest assured there is a man upstairs who has been pursuing him since the day he was born and he will always feel like loving him. When I can't forgive Cory for his wrong doing, there is a man upstairs who forgives and forgets Cory's downfalls. I hope that Cory sees what a role model he has to look to in all situations when he is struggling if he opens the Bible. I hope that Cory can rise above todays society of men and be the example that Benton and I need as well as other women who are just looking at him.

Enough.

"For am I seeking the approval of man or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ."

Galatians 1:!0

Y'all. This has been a hard week for me. The past 2 weeks have been pretty hard for me to be honest. No, actually, the past few months have actually been some of the hardest months I think I have had to endure and fight through and really look to see the goodness of God and how he is at work. From back in the fall seeing my mom recover from an abusive relationship that landed her in the hospital with over 50 stitches, broken bones, concussion, etc, to treading through deep mud with other family issues, to my Nana having a stroke this past week and watching to see how she will recover, to dealing with the demons fighting me about Benton being in daycare, to Cory and I having typical relationship squalls.. Man. This has been a tough season of life. 

I've recently started reading and really taking in the book of Job to see how I can better praise Him in the storms instead of wanting to give up on seeing his goodness. But that's not what this particular post is about. This post is about really digging deep in my insecurities to see that I am enough in God's eyes despite where I fall short in other's eyes. I guess it kind of ties in though to WHY I've felt so tested in all of the other parts of my life though- because I didn't think I was good enough for them NOT to happen to me.

For some reason, I got this invitation to the biggest pity party of the year and I decided it would be a really great decision to attend. Instead of throwing it in the garbage, I hung up this invitation on my fridge and just relinquished in it every day sinking deeper and deeper into this pit of sadness. It has been a steady dig in the trenches trying to find my way back out but I can finally see the light again I think. 

I have recently found myself answering "because they didn't see me as good enough" in a lot of problems I have been facing. That is my first go to thought. THEY didn't see me as worth enough before they said what they did, acted how they did, etc. I put the consequences of someone else's actions on my shoulders and carry it around like I had some kind of say so to begin with before they acted. My oh my, this burden has weighed my heart down, my spirit down, and my love down. Our free will is always the downfall of man. It's an ultimate lose lose situation. Sin is human nature. Our free will is naturally to choose sin, temptation, the broken path. It isn't often we stop and have the patience to wait on God. He must be a busy man with all of the working out problems He does from free will. I forget that maybe people just act on impulse without considering anyone but themselves. Not only are we sinful in nature, but most of us are selfish in nature. We don't consider other people's feelings before we indulge in self satisfaction. We don't think about the consequences to others while we're in the act of committing a sin. It isn't until after the deed has been done (whatever the deed is) that we realize. Our generation is the greatest example of  "it's easier to ask for forgiveness than for permission". It's taken a long time to realize that not everything is always my fault. Some people you just can't please. Some people you will never be enough no matter what you do. Some people will just always walk out without looking back.

I have this bad tendency of sometimes doing whatever is necessary to gain others approval just so I don't lose them. I give in. I play along. I forgive when deep down I am hurting to the core. I do things I otherwise wouldn't do so people don't walk away. 

I recently read Jefferson Bethke's book Jesus>Religion and he said the following:

"Of course, none of us would admit it so plainly, and for nineteen years of my life, I wouldn't have either, but isn't it true? Why else do we do most of the things we do? My generation is the most fatherless and insecure generation that's ever lived, and we are willing to sacrifice everything if we just can be told we are loved."

Wow. This one hit home. High school was hard for me. Extremely hard. Some of the worst memories I have in a time that was supposed to be my best. College wasn't much better. I was searching for ANYONE to just accept me and love me unconditionally, as broken as I was. This has been a constant battle in my life of recognizing Satan's voice verses God's redemption. 

. I never kept in mind I already have someone who loves me. Someone who never walked away. Someone who never chose another girl over me. Someone who never chose drugs or alcohol over me. Someone who never chose money over me. Someone who never chose himself over me. His name is Jesus. 

I was made for a purpose. I am fearfully and wonderfully made according to him and I know his word to always be true. Wonderfully. I am wonderfully made in someone else's eyes.

I have and will always be enough for him. He never stops pursuing me no matter who else passes by. In His eyes, Kate Upton and I are on the same level. He loves me and adores me just as much as he adores the girl who has always known his love for her. Mindblowing. I don't HAVE to have the perfect body. I don't HAVE to have the funniest jokes. I don't HAVE to lay down my morals for him to want me. I don't HAVE to be able to quote the entire bible word for word. He wants me as is. I am enough for him. It's a good feeling knowing I can let go of everyone else's expectations that I, in my mind, think I am supposed to meet. I don't have to worry about how I wasn't good enough and that's why _____ happened. If ____ wants to leave, its not because I'm not good enough. I am enough in my makers eyes. I am enough as a person. I am enough as a mom. 

"Everyday I wrestle with the voices that keep telling me I'm not right but that's alright;

cause I hear a voice and He calls me redeemed when other say I'll never be enough,

and greater is the One living inside of me than he who is living in the world,

there'll be days I lose the battle, grace says that it doesn't matter cause the cross already won the war,

He's greater,

I am learning to run freely, understanding just how he sees me, and it makes me love Him more and more."

Greater- Mercy Me

Life, with a slice of humble pie.

"Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you."

Ephesians 4:32

This has been a hard daycare week for me. I take wipes in on Monday, he needs more wipes on Wednesday. I take milk in on Monday, he needs more milk Wendesday. He has had food literally caked on his clothes every day that Ive picked him up. My patience is wearing thin. My grace is wearing thin, and I didn't have a lot of that to start with. When I'm complaning about my unmet, unrealistic expectations though, who is that benefitting? When I can find something to complain about literally every day with Benton's daycare, how confident am I in their service and how serious are they taking my every complaint? I don't want to be the boy who cried wolf. I called my sister this morning on the way to work to tell her I had confronted them about Benton's clothes. I was expecting a "yeah, you tell them, you go girl!" rally because she is honestly my biggest supporter and usually stands behind me (when it is a fair and just cause). What I got was Jesus using Jordy to show me I wasn't "doing what Jesus would do". She explained to me they haven't done anything to hurt him or make him sick, he's taken care of and I don't have to worry all day at work about it, and clothes are just material things. There are real issues and then there are "things". Was this "thing" really worth bringing up to the same girl who was alone with 8 babies yesterday because someone unexpectedly quit without any notice leaving her to fend for her life with the 19 month old beasts that they are. I don't know if you've ever tried to pacify and entertain a 19 month old all day long, but they are like a bomb of emotion just waiting to get treaded over. She had 8. It was literally like that game where you would click little boxes hoping you didn't land on the bomb all day long for her. Was that "thing" an unexpected side effect of a 19 month old feeding himself? In his classroom they're learning how to eat with utensils on their own with help from the teachers. Not only am I not giving her grace, but I'm not giving Benton any grace either by expecting him to have clean clothes when I return at the end of the day. Roll your eyes if you want, but I HATE being that mom at Wal-mart with kids who look like they've never seen a bath in their life. That's a whole different story though full of 2 week old kool-aid mustaches, grocery store feet, and dirty nails. Its little "things" like this that I am a little excessive about with Benton's appearance. Anyways, was this "thing" something Jesus would have brought attention to? Not at all. Benton has a closet full of other clean clothes. It's a simple change of clothes from his diaper bag. Clothes are washable. I got to work after feeling really convicted from my conversation with Jordy and just prayed. "Lord, please give me the patience and understanding with these girls. Please give me strength to give them grace in their job as I know I am also not perfect with just 1 child". I prayed for the girls to have a better day with the babies we hold so dear. I prayed for the girls to raise their spirits back up to before I walked into their classroom. I prayed for them to forgive me for being overbearing. The weight of all my requests layed at Jesus feet overwhelmed me with an urgency to call and let them know I was sorry and I deeply appreciated their time and love for taking care of Benton. Crying on the phone, asking for forgiveness to the same person you just had a "come to Jesus" meeting with- thats a real come to Jesus meeting. See what happens when you come to Jesus for guidance? He shows you His example of humility in the greatest way to achieve His glory in your prideful ways.

Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.
James 5:16

"I can do all this through him who gives me strength."
Philippians 4:13

We've all heard this verse before, maybe we've even recited it when we're facing a tough situation. How often are we really, truly, saying this with a heart that is confident in His power and what He is capable of bringing about though? Today in our bible study at work we focused on what it means to have confidence in the Lord and it really hit home to me. I've had an extremely hard time when presenting a request in actually presenting it with a heart that is confident in the Lord. I've found myself, more so than I'd like to admit, saying "Lord, if you're there and you're listening, could you possibly help me because I think you could help me out with this maybe..". It's embarrassing to see how much of a coward I actually am though when I am facing the Lord, just He and I. Why am I afraid of my maker? The One who truly loves me in an unconditional, intangible way? The One who loves me so much, he sent his only son to wrap me up in salvation and wash away my sins, all while Jesus traumatically hung on the cross for me? Me, a sinner unworthy of even a breath in his presence. The word tells us in Hebrews 4:16 to "approach God's throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need". Am I walking in with my head held high, looking up at the face who I call Father when I approach him or am I walking in whispering with my head pointed at the ground? What about how confident I am in what I can do through him? Am I confident that every single action within His plan for me is achievable or am I just simply hoping that He gives me mercy and takes pity on my flightless dreams once in a while? I want to be that girl who knows her God will come through in every situation, despite every hurdle I have to jump, because according to His word, which we know to be true, if God is for us, who can be against us (Romans 8:31). 

I struggle on a daily basis in knowing God is good all of the time, and all of the time God is good. I have to constantly, almost minute to minute some days, seek out the good in my day when it isn't going accordingly to my self righteous, self seeking, humanly, Earthly ways. I forget that I'm not on this Earth to make Raven happy. I am on this Earth so I can serve my God, be an example of His light, His mercy, His unending forgiveness. I have been broken and I have strayed from the Lord during my 26 year walk with him time and time again, but each time he has turned on a lamp at my feet to guide me back into His loving arms. He has never once thrown in the towel on me or cast me away. He loves us, oh how He loves us.. If you can't call being constantly forgiven good,  then I don't know what is. Having someone to constantly take on your burdens, your worries, your fears.. Having someone to constantly provide for you, bless you, send His mercies.. I'm just taken away at how good He truly is in my life when I least deserve it. I see sad posts about babies who are sick, family members who have passed, nations at war and I ask "God, why? How can you be doing a good thing right now"? I was sitting in our weekly bible study at work one time when the speaker was talking about watching his friend die at the hospital. He talked about how the situation didn't look good from where he was standing. He then explained that God isn't looking at the situation from where we're standing though, he is looking at it from where he is seated on his throne. What a great image I can picture of me just standing, worrying, while God is simply seated and looking at not just this moment, but the future in which he has worked out every event for the good, for some purpose.. 

How quick I am to be like Peter and lose my faith when challenged with even a simple excerpt from a book.Cory's sister in law posted a picture on Instagram from a book by Jefferson Bethke, Jesus > Religion, and it pertained to Jeremiah 29:11. It went as follows: "These verses say that God has a beautiful plan for our lives, that were precious and unique snowflakes, and that when we wait on him, he'll raise us up on wings of eagles. Are these verses true? Yes. But not in the way we might think. God does have a great plan for our lives, but it probably isn't our plan. In the early years of Christianity, most Christians were enemies of the state, and some were used as food for the animals in the Roman gladiator games. So next time you quote those verses, remind yourself that they were just as true for the people having their flesh ripped apart by lions as they are for you. Would you be down with God if that was his plan for your welfare?". As soon as I read it, my first thought as childish as it seems, was "is everything I've ever read about my maker and His goodness a lie"? For days upon days I went back and forth and struggled that Jeremiah 29:11 says, clearly, that He has plans for a hope and future for my life that is prosperous. That must mean I will eventually get that shiny black Volvo XC90 with a "soccer mom" sticker as I pull into the garage of my 5 bedroom carpenter house and walk in to kiss my perfect husband with roses in his hand for me, right?  I had to talk to Macie. I HAD to message her and ask her about this book that had me all in turmoil that my God wasn't a good God anymore. Thank you Macie for being not only a friend, but someone I can walk through life in Christ with and come to for reassurance. Her explanation nailed it. "It is very hard to read for people who have always heard those verses and took them to heart but not put the entire context into play... Don't think that God isn't working for your good! He is. It's just not always your physical good but rather your spiritual good. Gods ultimate goal in anything he does is to bring glory to himself. Our salvation is a gift and yes he loves and pursues his children but ultimately he longs for himself to be glorified! Remember that he literally stranded Israel in a desert for 40 years just to show them their need for him! You should read the book and really ask God to reveal his heart to you. I know that's what I'm having to do". I can see Jesus calling to me just like he did in Matthew 14:31, "you of little faith, why do you doubt me"? Why did I doubt him over a book I hadn't even read? Just the thought of it is ludicrous. I was forgiven for that too by the way - just in case there was any question.

Tonight Lord, I just want to thank you for always giving me the grace to stumble and come running back to you when I fall and skin my knees after I didn't listen to your words as you were trying to warn me of future hurt. Thank you for loving me, for always being good, and for always giving me strength in you when I need it the most. You are good all of the time, and all of the time you are good.