So when the people broke camp to cross the Jordan, the priests carrying the ark of the covenant went ahead of them. Now the Jordan is at flood stage all during harvest. Yet as soon as the priests who carried the ark reached the Jordan and their feet touched the water’s edge, the water from upstream stopped flowing. It piled up in a heap a great distance away, at a town called Adam in the vicinity of Zarethan, while the water flowing down to the Sea of the Arabah (that is, the Dead Sea) was completely cut off. So the people crossed over opposite Jericho. The priests who carried the ark of the covenant of the Lord stopped in the middle of the Jordan and stood on dry ground, while all Israel passed by until the whole nation had completed the crossing on dry ground.
Joshua 3:14-17
So, here I sit, day 2 of being a stay at home mom.. or a partial stay at home mom as Benton is still at school every day until 2pm finishing pre-k. To be honest, this feels a little like the Israelites did leaving Egypt. Sure they were leaving a very hard life, but it was a life they knew. It was a life they were comfortable in as hard as it was because it was better than the unknown. It was a life that provided for them even as meager as it was. It was a life that didn't cause us to step out of comfort zone nor our boundaries. I'm here to tell you though, just like the Israelites, the Lord doesn't call us to live in boundaries. The Lord doesn't call us to comfort. The Lord calls us to be HIS people, doing HIS will, in HIS timing. The Lord calls us to be obedient, trusting, and faithful to Him.
Yesterday morning I started off strong in this pursuit of being a stay at home mom. I was confident. I got all of the laundry done. I unpacked my office from work into our office at home. I did the dishes. I swept, steamed, and mopped. I was sure that God was before me. I was sure that He would provide.
Then I got Benton home and immediately locked us out of the house, in an oncoming thunderstorm, with Cory being 2.5 hours away in Nashville.
I called Cory crying, in a panic attack telling him I had made a mistake.
I had let my anxiety get the best of me. I had immediately forgotten that the Lord was with me.
Guess what that sounds like.
It sounds EXACTLY like the Israelites forgetting how God had done wonders right in front of their eyes to get them out of their bondage and slavery with Pharaoh to lead them into a land flowing with milk and honey.
It sounds EXACTLY like the Israelites forgetting how God had already provided for them anything they had asked.
It sounds EXACTLY like the Israelites grumbling in the wilderness as they forget God's goodness, His provisions, and His supernatural ability that is not limited by our human abilities to knock down anything that stands in the way of His chosen people doing His will.
It sounds EXACTLY like a girl who doesnt trust God to have the best for her like the Israelites didn't trust God about the promise land.
It sounds like a girl who was ready to run back to the hills of Egypt instead of trusting God to provide for her in the wilderness of the first few months of this journey without even seeing how God will work wonders in our life.
It sounds like a girl who would rather go back to a life of comfort than to go with a God who goes before her, encouraging her over and over again to trust Him, to be courageous and strong, to not look to my own means but to give all my means to one who gives meaning to the unbelievable.
In the first few minutes of having Benton I had already failed him. I had locked us out of the house. I wasn't equipped for this. I remember seeing on a friends instagram the other day who is also a SAHM that God doesn't call the equipped, God equips the called. It stopped me dead in my tracks and reminded me that I didn't know how to even bathe Benton when I brought him home from the NICU, but he's still alive and my bathing skills have dramatically improved in the last 5 years. I can't say much on my cooking improving, but my ability to keep him alive in the bathtub has far exceeded since day 1 of a sponge bath.
The Israelites didn't know HOW God could possibly provide for them as they grumbled to Moses over and over about their "lack of provisions" which was actually just a lack of perception of the God we serve.
They grumbled about bitter water. God brought them a log to throw into the water to make the water sweet. (Exodus 15).
They complained about being hungry. God made manna rain down from the sky every day for them for 40 years. For 40 years, the people did not have to worry about their food. (Exodus 16)
They complained about being thirsty. God provide water out of a rock. (Exodus 17)
They complained of wanting more than manna to eat. God provides so much meat for them- "not just for one day, or two days, or five days, or ten days, or twenty days, but a whole month, until it comes out of your nostrils and becomes loathsome to you". (Numbers 11)
Y'all, this walk is scary. This leaving my job and leaving my comfort zone in finances scares me. The impact this decision may have on my marriage and my husband who lives around money every day, all day as a banker, ensuring people are making good financial decisions and saving for the future, that TERRIFIES me. Not knowing how long this will last for me scares me.
I have to remember though that this time with Benton will be like the land flowing with milk and honey. This time with Benton is my chance to speak truth into his heart. This time with Benton FORCES me to rely on God and not my own mediocre means of thinking I am the one with the provisions.
This forces me to step out of my comfort zone, rely on the promises of God and who He says He is, and how this time in our life with reap over and over again the sowing of Benton's life.
I have to surround myself with mommas who are doing this every day and reminding me of the ways God is moving in their lives both in growing them and in providing for them.
"For the Lord your God is bringing you into a good land—a land with brooks, streams, and deep springs gushing out into the valleys and hills; a land with wheat and barley, vines and fig trees, pomegranates, olive oil and honey; a land where bread will not be scarce and you will lack nothing; a land where the rocks are iron and you can dig copper out of the hills.When you have eaten and are satisfied, praise the Lord your God for the good land he has given you."
Deuteronomy 8:7-10
I figured I would just really start this blog for the moms who are contemplating staying at home. To be real and honest about my fears, my experiences, my failures, my blessings, the way God is moving, the way I need God to move, to just invite you guys to walk this walk with me. To pray for our family, To just be side by side with us as two are better than one.
I am scared.
But I am holding strong to my God in this, trusting that just like He provided for the Israelites for 40 years, He will provide for us.
"Fear the Lord your God and serve him. Hold fast to him and take your oaths in his name. He is the one you praise; he is your God, who performed for you those great and awesome wonders you saw with your own eyes. Your ancestors who went down into Egypt were seventy in all, and now the Lord your God has made you as numerous as the stars in the sky."
Deuteronomy 10: 20-22
This will mark our last week of a paycheck for me. I think Cory and I both have such anxiety right now its hard to even speak. We just keep waiting and waiting for the ball to drop. You know what though, in those 40 years of wilderness, the Israelites lacked literally NOTHING.
Remember how the Lord your God led you all the way in the wilderness these forty years, to humble and test you in order to know what was in your heart, whether or not you would keep his commands. He humbled you, causing you to hunger and then feeding you with manna, which neither you nor your ancestors had known, to teach you that man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord. Your clothes did not wear out and your feet did not swell during these forty years. Know then in your heart that as a man disciplines his son, so the Lord your God disciplines you.
Deuteronomy 8:2-5.
My clothes wear out in a week sometimes, certainly not lasting 40 years?! Our God is the Provider. I have to trust in this. I have to write this on my heart, bind it around my neck, write it above our doorposts. I have to know that God sees me. God hears me. God knows what we need before we do. God goes before us, preparing a way for His will to be done. I think what scares me too is the fact that how can I be sure this is God's will for me instead of my own will? Again, we walk by faith and not by sight. For some reason in my prayers about this, I just expected unrealistically for God to come down, circle my calendar for the date to quit my job, and to fill my bank account with my monthly salary to tell me this was it, this was the right decision. I think that is the only way I would have been certain. I told Cory yesterday in tears I felt like a fool thinking that we could make it on just his salary alone. I limit God, I limit God to being other peoples God but not my own God. I set people aside in groups for "those he provides for" and "those he doesn't sometimes" if I am honest. Thats my goal here, to be honest. To be raw and vulnerable that guys, I LOVE the Lord my God, but I don't always see and trust Him to be MY God like He is for everyone else. I exclude myself from His promises. I exclude myself from His plans. I exclude myself from His goodness. I focus on how He is good for others and quickly forget how He is good to me as well. I started the 40 day prayer challenge by Mark Batterson and the second day focused on how we don't worry about trusting God in the big pictures, like keeping the planets and sun orbiting at just the perfect speed and angle so we can avoid imploding, but we don't trust Him with the small things like our finances. I can tell you, I have NEVER thought "hey, thanks God for keeping the planets going" because I take Him so for granted. I take His power and limit it to my own human restrictions. I think of my prayers as just going into a little blue postal box and never ending up in His ears. I think that comes from my lack of faith and my lack of trust. I believe, but need help in my unbelief. Our pastors wife told me "where God guides, God provides". I had such a peace as I left work yesterday to be at home with Benton and about 3 hours later after all of the laundry and things to keep my busy were done, I let my doubt and insecurity creep in and steal my God's power. It's a terrible feeling when you let your anxiety paralyze you so much you can't even breathe, think, or move. You can't even take the next step to remember to even pray. All you can focus on is the collapsing of your lungs and your stomach coming up in the back of your throat about to come of your mouth. Anxiety for me is that real. It is so tangible in the way that I feel it creeping in and shutting my body down. I have struggled with it so much more the older I get although I am not sure when it took such a hold of me. Fear grips me. Anxiety grips me. Anger grips me. The other day I was praying and this fleeting thought actually crossed my mind - "I knew you wouldn't come..". Seriously, why didn't the Lord smite me down right there?! Moses himself must of prayed and interceded on my behalf there like he did the Israelites because I was seriously waiting for the ground to open up and swallow me whole like it did for Korah. I can't. I can't live my life in partial belief and partial obedience to the Lord because of my anxiety and my fear of failure, my fear of Him not actually coming through like He promises over and over and over. This feels like a fairytale finally getting to stay home with Benton. I went back to work at 5 weeks with him and he has been in daycares ever since. Fairytales just don't exist. But they do exist in the context of God because every, single, story in the Bible is true. Every single story points back to a God who hears us, who suffers with us, who knows our every thought but still loves us with an everlasting, steadfast, forgiving love. A God who answers not just others prayers, but our own. Who doesn't just move for others, but moves for us when we let go of the control to ALLOW Him to move for us. Here I am God, do with me what you will and at the end of the day, let my heart still KNOW that you are GOOD. Help me in my unbelief. Help me to let go of the reigns for you to drive this chariot home instead. Help me not to settle for just Gilead, living right outside of Your promise land for me, but help me to actually cross into the Jordan, trusting Your goodness and guidance, into the promise land You have for me.
Help me to trust You to see us through this staying at home without my salary thing.
Help me to come to you instead of letting my fear, doubt, and insecurity take over.
Help me to never forget the wanders you have done before my eyes before and the other "Egypts" you have brought me out of.
Help me to see that it is by no means any of my own attempts that help keep this family afloat in provisions, that every good thing is from above and that YOU are our ultimate provider no matter what society tells me otherwise.
