Leaving Egypt, heading across the Jordan.

So when the people broke camp to cross the Jordan, the priests carrying the ark of the covenant went ahead of them. Now the Jordan is at flood stage all during harvest. Yet as soon as the priests who carried the ark reached the Jordan and their feet touched the water’s edge, the water from upstream stopped flowing. It piled up in a heap a great distance away, at a town called Adam in the vicinity of Zarethan, while the water flowing down to the Sea of the Arabah (that is, the Dead Sea) was completely cut off. So the people crossed over opposite Jericho. The priests who carried the ark of the covenant of the Lord stopped in the middle of the Jordan and stood on dry ground, while all Israel passed by until the whole nation had completed the crossing on dry ground.

Joshua 3:14-17

So, here I sit, day 2 of being a stay at home mom.. or a partial stay at home mom as Benton is still at school every day until 2pm finishing pre-k. To be honest, this feels a little like the Israelites did leaving Egypt. Sure they were leaving a very hard life, but it was a life they knew. It was a life they were comfortable in as hard as it was because it was better than the unknown. It was a life that provided for them even as meager as it was. It was a life that didn't cause us to step out of comfort zone nor our boundaries. I'm here to tell you though, just like the Israelites, the Lord doesn't call us to live in boundaries. The Lord doesn't call us to comfort. The Lord calls us to be HIS people, doing HIS will, in HIS timing. The Lord calls us to be obedient, trusting, and faithful to Him.

Yesterday morning I started off strong in this pursuit of being a stay at home mom. I was confident. I got all of the laundry done. I unpacked my office from work into our office at home. I did the dishes. I swept, steamed, and mopped. I was sure that God was before me. I was sure that He would provide. 

Then I got Benton home and immediately locked us out of the house, in an oncoming thunderstorm, with Cory being 2.5 hours away in Nashville.

I called Cory crying, in a panic attack telling him I had made a mistake. 

I had let my anxiety get the best of me. I had immediately forgotten that the Lord was with me. 

Guess what that sounds like.

It sounds EXACTLY like the Israelites forgetting how God had done wonders right in front of their eyes to get them out of their bondage and slavery with Pharaoh to lead them into a land flowing with milk and honey. 

It sounds EXACTLY like the Israelites forgetting how God had already provided for them anything they had asked.

It sounds EXACTLY like the Israelites grumbling in the wilderness as they forget God's goodness, His provisions, and His supernatural ability that is not limited by our human abilities to knock down anything that stands in the way of His chosen people doing His will.

It sounds EXACTLY like a girl who doesnt trust God to have the best for her like the Israelites didn't trust God about the promise land.

It sounds like a girl who was ready to run back to the hills of Egypt instead of trusting God to provide for her in the wilderness of the first few months of this journey without even seeing how God will work wonders in our life.

It sounds like a girl who would rather go back to a life of comfort than to go with a God who goes before her, encouraging her over and over again to trust Him, to be courageous and strong, to not look to my own means but to give all my means to one who gives meaning to the unbelievable. 

In the first few minutes of having Benton I had already failed him. I had locked us out of the house. I wasn't equipped for this. I remember seeing on a friends instagram the other day who is also a SAHM that God doesn't call the equipped, God equips the called. It stopped me dead in my tracks and reminded me that I didn't know how to even bathe Benton when I brought him home from the NICU, but he's still alive and my bathing skills have dramatically improved in the last 5 years. I can't say much on my cooking improving, but my ability to keep him alive in the bathtub has far exceeded since day 1 of a sponge bath.

The Israelites didn't know HOW God could possibly provide for them as they grumbled to Moses over and over about their "lack of provisions" which was actually just a lack of perception of the God we serve. 

They grumbled about bitter water. God brought them a log to throw into the water to make the water sweet. (Exodus 15).

They complained about being hungry. God made manna rain down from the sky every day for them for 40 years. For 40 years, the people did not have to worry about their food. (Exodus 16)

They complained about being thirsty. God provide water out of a rock. (Exodus 17)

They complained of wanting more than manna to eat. God provides so much meat for them- "not just for one day, or two days, or five days, or ten days, or twenty days, but a whole month, until it comes out of your nostrils and becomes loathsome to you". (Numbers 11)

Y'all, this walk is scary. This leaving my job and leaving my comfort zone in finances scares me. The impact this decision may have on my marriage and my husband who lives around money every day, all day as a banker, ensuring people are making good financial decisions and saving for the future, that TERRIFIES me. Not knowing how long this will last for me scares me. 

I have to remember though that this time with Benton will be like the land flowing with milk and honey. This time with Benton is my chance to speak truth into his heart. This time with Benton FORCES me to rely on God and not my own mediocre means of thinking I am the one with the provisions.

This forces me to step out of my comfort zone, rely on the promises of God and who He says He is, and how this time in our life with reap over and over again the sowing of Benton's life. 

I have to surround myself with mommas who are doing this every day and reminding me of the ways God is moving in their lives both in growing them and in providing for them.

"For the Lord your God is bringing you into a good land—a land with brooks, streams, and deep springs gushing out into the valleys and hills; a land with wheat and barley, vines and fig trees, pomegranates, olive oil and honey; a land where bread will not be scarce and you will lack nothing; a land where the rocks are iron and you can dig copper out of the hills.When you have eaten and are satisfied, praise the Lord your God for the good land he has given you."

Deuteronomy 8:7-10

I figured I would just really start this blog for the moms who are contemplating staying at home. To be real and honest about my fears, my experiences, my failures, my blessings, the way God is moving, the way I need God to move, to just invite you guys to walk this walk with me. To pray for our family, To just be side by side with us as two are better than one. 

I am scared.

But I am holding strong to my God in this, trusting that just like He provided for the Israelites for 40 years, He will provide for us.

"Fear the Lord your God and serve him. Hold fast to him and take your oaths in his name. He is the one you praise; he is your God, who performed for you those great and awesome wonders you saw with your own eyes. Your ancestors who went down into Egypt were seventy in all, and now the Lord your God has made you as numerous as the stars in the sky."

Deuteronomy 10: 20-22

This will mark our last week of a paycheck for me. I think Cory and I both have such anxiety right now its hard to even speak. We just keep waiting and waiting for the ball to drop. You know what though, in those 40 years of wilderness, the Israelites lacked literally NOTHING.

Remember how the Lord your God led you all the way in the wilderness these forty years, to humble and test you in order to know what was in your heart, whether or not you would keep his commands. He humbled you, causing you to hunger and then feeding you with manna, which neither you nor your ancestors had known, to teach you that man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord. Your clothes did not wear out and your feet did not swell during these forty years. Know then in your heart that as a man disciplines his son, so the Lord your God disciplines you.

Deuteronomy 8:2-5. 

My clothes wear out in a week sometimes, certainly not lasting 40 years?! Our God is the Provider. I have to trust in this. I have to write this on my heart, bind it around my neck, write it above our doorposts. I have to know that God sees me. God hears me. God knows what we need before we do. God goes before us, preparing a way for His will to be done. I think what scares me too is the fact that how can I be sure this is God's will for me instead of my own will? Again, we walk by faith and not by sight. For some reason in my prayers about this, I just expected unrealistically for God to come down, circle my calendar for the date to quit my job, and to fill my bank account with my monthly salary to tell me this was it, this was the right decision. I think that is the only way I would have been certain. I told Cory yesterday in tears I felt like a fool thinking that we could make it on just his salary alone. I limit God, I limit God to being other peoples God but not my own God. I set people aside in groups for "those he provides for" and "those he doesn't sometimes" if I am honest. Thats my goal here, to be honest. To be raw and vulnerable that guys, I LOVE the Lord my God, but I don't always see and trust Him to be MY God like He is for everyone else. I exclude myself from His promises. I exclude myself from His plans. I exclude myself from His goodness. I focus on how He is good for others and quickly forget how He is good to me as well. I started the 40 day prayer challenge by Mark Batterson and the second day focused on how we don't worry about trusting God in the big pictures, like keeping the planets and sun orbiting at just the perfect speed and angle so we can avoid imploding, but we don't trust Him with the small things like our finances. I can tell you, I have NEVER thought "hey, thanks God for keeping the planets going" because I take Him so for granted. I take His power and limit it to my own human restrictions. I think of my prayers as just going into a little blue postal box and never ending up in His ears. I think that comes from my lack of faith and my lack of trust. I believe, but need help in my unbelief. Our pastors wife told me "where God guides, God provides". I had such a peace as I left work yesterday to be at home with Benton and about 3 hours later after all of the laundry and things to keep my busy were done, I let my doubt and insecurity creep in and steal my God's power. It's a terrible feeling when you let your anxiety paralyze you so much you can't even breathe, think, or move. You can't even take the next step to remember to even pray. All you can focus on is the collapsing of your lungs and your stomach coming up in the back of your throat about to come of your mouth. Anxiety for me is that real. It is so tangible in the way that I feel it creeping in and shutting my body down. I have struggled with it so much more the older I get although I am not sure when it took such a hold of me. Fear grips me. Anxiety grips me. Anger grips me. The other day I was praying and this fleeting thought actually crossed my mind - "I knew you wouldn't come..". Seriously, why didn't the Lord smite me down right there?! Moses himself must of prayed and interceded on my behalf there like he did the Israelites because I was seriously waiting for the ground to open up and swallow me whole like it did for Korah. I can't. I can't live my life in partial belief and partial obedience to the Lord because of my anxiety and my fear of failure, my fear of Him not actually coming through like He promises over and over and over. This feels like a fairytale finally getting to stay home with Benton. I went back to work at 5 weeks with him and he has been in daycares ever since. Fairytales just don't exist. But they do exist in the context of God because every, single, story in the Bible is true. Every single story points back to a God who hears us, who suffers with us, who knows our every thought but still loves us with an everlasting, steadfast, forgiving love. A God who answers not just others prayers, but our own. Who doesn't just move for others, but moves for us when we let go of the control to ALLOW Him to move for us. Here I am God, do with me what you will and at the end of the day, let my heart still KNOW that you are GOOD. Help me in my unbelief. Help me to let go of the reigns for you to drive this chariot home instead. Help me not to settle for just Gilead, living right outside of Your promise land for me, but help me to actually cross into the Jordan, trusting Your goodness and guidance, into the promise land You have for me. 

Help me to trust You to see us through this staying at home without my salary thing.

Help me to come to you instead of letting my fear, doubt, and insecurity take over.

Help me to never forget the wanders you have done before my eyes before and the other "Egypts" you have brought me out of.

Help me to see that it is by no means any of my own attempts that help keep this family afloat in provisions, that every good thing is from above and that YOU are our ultimate provider no matter what society tells me otherwise.

I want to pray! (but not for her..)

Have you ever felt God nudge you to pray for someone you didn't particularly care for? Maybe it's just a season where you are disconnected from them, maybe they've wronged you, maybe you just grind each others gears, whatever it may be- you are just NOT in prayer mode for this person. You get on Facebook and as you're scrolling along you see them ask for a prayer request so what do you do?? You keep scrolling! Well, if you're anything like me you do. Until God keeps laying this person on your heart. I had two options. One- to never get on Facebook again so I wouldn't ever be confronted with needing to pray for them again. Two - listen to the prompting from God. Deleting the person sounds easy - and mature might I add- but it brings a lot of politics and confrontation with it possibly so you just keep scrolling and most of time ignore their posts. Then a thought worms its way into your heart and mind. "You wanted to be better in your prayer life, so here is your chance you little prayer warrior!". My response was immediately "but God, I didn't mean I wanted to pray for HER! I want to pray for so and so, for this and that etc..". But then God, you remind me we are to love thy neighbor. Both in Matthew and in Mark so that means it must be pretty important. Not only the fact that it is mentioned twice, but the fact that when it is mentioned, it specifically says it is one of the two main commandments we are to follow. 

Hearing that Jesus had silenced the Sadducees, the Pharisees got together. One of them, an expert in the law, tested him with this question: “Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?”

Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”

Matthew 22:34-40

One of the teachers of the law came and heard them debating. Noticing that Jesus had given them a good answer, he asked him, “Of all the commandments, which is the most important?”

“The most important one,” answered Jesus, “is this: ‘Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one.  Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’ The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than these.”

“Well said, teacher,” the man replied. “You are right in saying that God is one and there is no other but him. To love him with all your heart, with all your understanding and with all your strength, and to love your neighbor as yourself is more important than all burnt offerings and sacrifices.”

When Jesus saw that he had answered wisely, he said to him, “You are not far from the kingdom of God.” And from then on no one dared ask him any more questions.

Mark 12:28-34

First I am to love you Lord with all of my heart, my mind, and my soul. Then I am to love my neighbor as I love myself. In 1 John 4:7-12 "Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us". If my ultimate goal if to reflect Christ, I must show love to even those whom I don't deem as lovable, just as Jesus Christ loved, and even died, for those who mistreated and mocked him. Let me repeat this. Jesus Christ died for someone I can't even get on my knees to pray for. Let that sink in a moment. Scripture tells us Jesus prayed "forgive them father for they know not what they do (Luke 23:34). Does this person in need even know why I can't bring myself to pray for them? Do they know why they are on the "keep scrolling" list? Do they know the actions or characteristics that I deem unworthy? I thank God every single day for seeing past my unworthiness. For seeing past my bad characteristics. For seeing past my pride, my selfishness, my inability to love as well as I should. There is NOTHING, I repeat NOTHING that deems me unworthy in Christ's eyes and if God created us all equal in His image, however hard that seems, then surely the person I can't seem to pray for is worthy as well. 

Next comes my pride issue.

Man, I want SO bad to rub in the fact that despite their flaws, I prayed for them. There is a time and a place to acknowledge your prayers to someone and coming from a prideful place is not one of them. The Bible tells us in Matthew 6:5-15

 “And when you pray, do not be like the hypocrites, for they love to pray standingin the synagogues and on the street corners to be seen by others. Truly I tell you, they have received their reward in full. But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you. And when you pray, do not keep on babbling like pagans, for they think they will be heard because of their many words. Do not be like them, for your Father knows what you need before you ask him.

 “This, then, is how you should pray:

“‘Our Father in heaven,

hallowed be your name,

   

your kingdom come,

your will be done,

    on earth as it is in heaven.

Give us today our daily bread.

And forgive us our debts,

    as we also have forgiven our debtors. 

And lead us not into temptation,

    but deliver us from the evil one.

 For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.

I couldn't tell you how many times Jesus went to pray alone. Just from the past few days though I have read it in several places- Matthew 14, Luke 5, Luke 6, Mark 1, etc. He didn't include his disciples, he simply went off alone to pray. He didn't even tell them what he prayed for. His best friends didn't know all of his prayer requests. Now please don't confuse what I am saying. I also believe in the power of prayer- in groups, in church, in small groups, in the car with a girlfriend wherever. I am NOT by any means discrediting prayer in fellowship or worship with others. What I am saying however is that some things are meant to be kept close to heart. In Luke 2,:17-19 it says "when they had seen him, they spread the word concerning what had been told them about this child, and all who heard it were amazed at what the shepherds said to them but Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart." Mary treasured and kept in her heart what I am sure any proud momma wanted to scream out at a mountain top. Sometimes, the quietest, most subtle prayers only spoken in the safety of the walls of our heart are the loudest answered prayers in our life.

The gratification we receive shouldn't be a pat on the back or even a thank you. It should be just seeing the prayer come to fruition and seeing God work in a visible way. Knowing you were able to humble yourself enough to pray for someone, even through pride and arrogance, should be the gratification because that means you are making yourself more like Christ which is our ultimate goal. Being one step closer to our Savior should be our gratification. We shouldn't be a self-seeking, self-glorifying holy roller. We only need to humbly submit ourselves, our prayer requests, and our repentance to the Lord and let Him do the rest. Let God have the glory. Let God work in your heart in such a way you can put aside your differences to pray for someone you would've otherwise kept scrolling past. 

You Reap What You Sow.

"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up."

Galatians 6:9

Jesus. I wish I could adequately spill out everything on my heart. I just feel overwhelmed with so many inadequacies today. I read this verse earlier though and it really stuck out and put things into perspective. 

The other day in church our pastor touched on this same chapter and subject, but I wasn't sure how I was supposed to apply it to every day life. You don't really think about what you're sowing when you're sowing it, or at least you don't think about it in terms of sowing anything. But as I read the devotional today from Proverbs 31, it spoke on the same subject: sowing and reaping. Is this you, Lord? Is this you reminding me of Your word? That every word you spoke into life means something at some point, we just have to pay attention?

I'll show you what I mean.

Serving the Lord:

I have been praying and praying and praying about this one. Praying so much that I was at the point of not praying about it anymore because it just doesn't seem like it's being heard or answered or even considered. That would go against my faith though because I KNOW he bends down to hear me. Psalm 116:2 says "because he bends down to listen, I will pray as long as I have breath". Some girls know SO clearly that they're working in and through the Lord for those around them. They KNOW their calling. Their words and their actions reflect that of Christ. They can't help but serve the Lord in everything they do because that's just their life. Their prayers flow loudly and freely, they're mouth pours out kindness, their actions hold back any rashness. They just ooze their faith like Jesus' blood down the cross. I am not one of those girls. Reflecting my faith just doesn't come that easy for me. It's something I really struggle with, especially when I don't hear or see a reaction from the Lord like I hoped I would. I start doubting. I start wondering. I start thinking he doesn't hear me. I start overthinking things and manipulating outcomes. It's something I am aware of though and can actively change as I progress in my faith. I think you only gain this kind of confidence by constantly being in the word because that's where you find the Lord's reassurance the most. I can sow my time with the Lord and reap the benefits of his reassurance. It's something you have to be aware of. It's something you have to ask yourself. "Where am I sowing my time and what benefits will it reap once I am finished"? I know I'm not reaping much form my time with Facebook or Instagram, most of the time I am left with more feelings of inadequacy. I know I serve a purpose though, I wasn't just placed here on Earth to take up space. We are all fearfully and wonderfully made, we were all set apart before we were born. We all have a purpose in the grand scheme of our Father's plan. I may not know what that calling is yet, but I can still sow my time with the Lord while I wait for Him to use me.

Fellowship:

Another issue I have prayed and prayed about but still don't feel like I'm receiving any kind of answer. I have been in Cleveland for 8 months now and yet to have made any friends, let me rephrase that - even ONE friend. I've YET to connect in church, in a small group, in a moms group, with coworkers, or for that matter, even a mom with desperation in her eyes from her lack of fellowship outside the walls of her house and outside of her toddler's "The Shining" stir-craze. I feel like I'm starting to date agin, only with friendships. Where do you even go to make friends now? I am way past meeting someone at school or at an extracurricular activity, I hang out at the mecca meeting place for moms- Chik-Fil-A and the playgrounds in Cleveland. I see the same moms at church on Sunday as I drop Benton off but never make any small talk or real talk with them. I go to church on Sunday's and rarely see the same face sitting next to me. So where do you find fellowship in a church that has thousands of members? Where do you begin to build upon a relationship when you never see the same person twice? It seems like there is a generational gap for outreach in mine and Cory's season of life- newlywed, toddler parents. I've reached out to our church trying to find a small group of women about my age who meet weekly to talk about Jesus and pray together. Nothing. Not being in the church or a small group really puts a hindrance on growing in your faith because where else do you get to mostly grow with accountability and fellowship? The church body and in small groups. I also don't connect with the sermons I am hearing preached right now. It's just like it doesn't reach to my soul. I'm left wondering what I am making for lunch or what chores I have left to do. Where is the disconnect in connecting at church? This church is familiar though and the childcare is phenomenal so I hate to give up just because I can't apply our pastors message to my life. He is more theological than anything and I get lost in all of his explanations of the background instead of being able to understand the actual message. I keep pressing forward though know at least I am making an effort. If I can continue to sow my seeds at this church, hopefully, eventually, it will reap benefits of an actual church family. Outside of your personal family, that is the next most important family. 

Finance:

I think for every dollar we save, we spend ten more dollars trying to repair or over committing ourselves to activities that come up. This has been a hard season financially. It's been one of repairing, fixing up, preparing, paying off, and cutting back. It has been TOUGH. Feeding the flesh is one of my biggest vices and when you have to cut back on all of the entertainment, the Facebook scrolling to save data, the eating out because you love Chik-Fil-A so much, the decorations at Hobby Lobby to make your house a home, it gets hard! Sometimes it feels like we are just treading water waiting for the next surprise that we didn't budget for, Cory says owning a house is just one big money pit. This is my first rodeo with owning so I'm not used to constantly have to reach in my own pocket to repair. Every penny is being accounted for in our budget right now and let me tell you, it is convicting! You start seeing how much money you've wasted on stupid purchases that didn't seem to add up in your mind but speak loud and clear in Excel. Pretty much every penny is being allocated somewhere so there isn't a lot of idle money in our account. There has been a lot of picking and choosing and reprioritizing. Bless my selfless husbands heart because a lot of his priorities are the ones that keep getting bumped further and further on the back burner. It has been a very self disciplined season that we both know will yield benefits later. Hopefully better meals on the table from my hands as well with all of this cooking I am doing at home. Poor Benton has just been pushing food around a lot of nights lately as I learn and grow. But I know financially, we are sowing our seeds for a better future for both Benton and for ourselves when he leaves the house. Cory is taking on more at work to hopefully reap the benefits of his Masters degree one day. I've been really sowing at work as well and hoping I reap the benefits later. It's hard to do though when one month you sell $24,000 and the next $191.00. I continue to sow though. I continue to choose the challenging quotes to hopefully reap the most reward as I put in the hard work it takes to get them done.  Hopefully the Lord sees that my work is for something and he rewards us for those tough days at work trying to sell something to bring home a little more to savings than just hourly pay. Although I am incredibly thankful for the opportunity I have without commission don't get me wrong. This job has really been a blessing as hard as it is to see some days and the Lord continues to meet our provisional needs. 

Proverbs 31 Wife/Mom:

Y'all, can we be honest here? We're all friends right? I am FAR from a Provers 31 wife. I sleep in until 7 and rise with the rest of my family. Cory makes Benton breakfast as well as packs mine becasue I slept in until the last minute. He assumes all responsibility of Benton in the mornings while I roam around the house trying to get it together, all while seemingly waiting to board the struggle-bus oustide my door.  I cook, my husband cleans up. He cleans and I give Benton a bath or vice versa. I have been trying to really be aware of my duty as a wife and a mom though. I have been trying to do these things before he gets a chance to as I know he works just as hard during the day as myself. He is truly the definition of a partner and I get spoiled in actually not having to do all that I SHOULD. I've been really trying to be proactive in how I handle every day chores and duties. I try to be GRATEFUL for having these chores to begin with. A house to clean, clothes to wash, dishes to wash, a floor to sweep. I've been trying to be more interested in cooking even though that comes as a struggle to me. I'm not a good cook and I know this. I've never had to cook. My family consists of primarily women and I am the baby. But I've tried to have a better attitude and more confidence while doing it because I know that it's a luxury to get to cook and eat every night in a lot of the world. I dream about having girlfriends over to sip freshly brewed coffee and snack on hot and steamy baked goods that I made with my on hands. I dream about having a house to entertain at. We've been fixing up our house to entertain all of the friends we don't even have. That's how much I am pleading with the Lord for fellowship with women in my season of life, better cooking skills, and more gratitude for the house we do have. I will say though that Joanna Gaines is giving away a free bedroom or living room and I couldn't find a reason why we needed it. Our house is really coming together right now as we move from room to room with decorating.  I want to be that mom who hosts the whole baseball team because we have the best snacks and coolest house - although Cory and I have a lot to work on for coolest parents haha. I've been praying for the Lord to change me into more of a servant and less of a leader. I'm going to start rising earlier to get my family ready because I am blessed with having that role. I'm going to start rising and praying for my family so I can bring a sense of peace to our hectic morning rush. This has also been a season of sacrifice not just in finances, but in my selfishness too. I want my identity to match what the Lord spells out in those verses in Proverbs 31. I've really been trying to be grateful for the hard moments I face with my family as I know that will bring a stronger change about me. Im just praying for a true identity change of sowing and the reaping that comes along with it. Maybe the Lord actually is speaking to me in our messages at church when I don't feel like I am getting it. 

All I know is I am sowing all of the seeds I can in every aspect of my life to reap the blessings that the Lord offers if I just give Him my time.

Maybe this will help you sow your seeds a little better as well.

You reap what you sow, right?

How I let 30 minutes ruin God's provisions.

"Lord, please provide me with a new job and a new daycare for this new season in my family's life."

That was my prayer for I know at least 2 months prior to September. Fast forward to September 10 and here I am three days into my new job. He provided. He met the expectations I prayed for. But what He provided also runs over 30 minutes from what I deem "working hours". It cuts into my mothering job in picking Benton up from daycare. It cuts into my mothering job of having dinner on the table. It moves Benton's bedtime 30 minutes later when some days, I wish it was 30 minutes earlier! What he provided is a church daycare where Benton's room is the size of a small shed out back that doesn't even serve breakfast. 

God answered my prayers though, right? He met my provisions though, right?

Shouldn't I be satisfied there?

Shouldn't I look upon His provisions with thankfulness?

I feel like these last few days have been met with dread instead of thankfulness. It was Tuesday that I started this new job and things just weren't going how I planned in my mind. Drop off with Benton was a little hectic as it was his first day and we got there too early for the director or his teacher to be there. We forgot some of the stuff required in his new room. We didn't get to explain his milk allergy and what the affects are if he has milk. I get to work and the HR lady wasn't there nor was the lady I am training with. Every job I have had prior to this one wasn't really a challenge therefore I didn't expect this one to be much of a challenge. 8 hours later and I first call Cory in tears first, and then I call my trusty, always on my side, sister Jordy to complain about my day and how horrid my hours were. Could she believe I had to work until 8:30?? I can be a little overdramatic I know. It's just 30 minutes. (Have you ever sat through Ooltewah traffic in rush hour during those 30 minutes though?..) Anyway, in the midst of complaining to my sister, she tells me something personal and immediately stops me in my pity party. She has a serious, warranted disappointing day and here I am complaining because I can't work the hours I want. I had to check myself and realize that for one, I have a job. For two, I have a job that offered me a pay raise as well as a shorter commute everyday. How can I do anything but shout from the roof my praises to God for His provisions? It always takes someone else's downfall to see your blessings when you're straying from your relationship with God. That's sin. Comparing and temptation is what Satan wants from you. He not only wants your disappointment in God, he needs it to thrive like we need water or air. I've been so busy moving, stressing about new jobs and daycares, etc that my relationship has been pretty nonexistent except for the quick "thank you Lord" prayers I shoot up during my morning commute. I run down the list of things I am thankful for: my healthy child, my fiancé (which is a whole different topic below) who loves me, my friends, my vehicle, my move, etc. Not once though is this new job in there. Neither is the new daycare that God supplied.

God and disappointment do not go together. They just can't coincide. It's our own human nature that says God disappointed in his provisions because He didn't provide exactly what we imagined. I let myself be disappointed because I didn't get what my expectations were in my prayers. I started doubting myself. I started blaming Cory. "I gave up everything for you.. my great job, my great daycare, my friends at work- all to be with you". How selfish of me to first of all place my happiness in Cory. He isn't in charge of ensuring I am happy, although he does a very incredible job of making me happy. My happiness though doesn't solely stem from him. My happiness also comes from myself, my relationship with Christ, focusing on the good instead of the bad. Second of all, Cory didn't force me to move. Cory didn't force me to give up anything. I chose this. This was the next step for our relationship that I had prayed about for 2 years now. Again, our great God provided this provision for our relationship. Man, how I prayed, cried, threw tantrums, gotten angry, and even given up on praying while waiting to move forward in being Cory's wife instead of just his girlfriend and here it is without me being able to do anything but focus on what I had given up instead of what I had gained. God commands to leave your family to start a new family in Matthew 19:4-6 - "Haven't you read,' He replied, 'that He who created them in the beginning made them male and female, and He also said: For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two will become one flesh? So they are no longer two, but one flesh?". This is such a sweet, sweet season in mine and Cory's relationship as we become one. I have dreamed about this day since I had Benton and we sat up at night face timing by Benton's bilirubin light. I knew pretty quickly this was who I wanted to be Benton's role model as well as my partner in life. He had watched me in my worst but still saw the best in me. He encouraged me, prayed for me, had patience with me, but most of all, he fought for me. He never once gave up or let me give up. In thinking about this, I also thought about Ruth leaving behind her familiarities to follow Naomi after becoming a widow. Ruth's words were "do not persuade me to leave you or go back and not follow you. For wherever you go, I will go, and where you live, I will live: your people will be my people and your God will be my God. Where you die, I will die, and there I will be buried. May Yahweh punish me, and do so severely if anything but death separates you and me" in chapter 1, verses 16-17. This is exactly how I feel about Cory. Wherever Cory's job leads him, I will go. He is my home now. As we say our vows and make a commitment to each other for death do us part, I fully intend on keeping Ruth's promise in only death separating us. That isn't to say I'm not expecting hard times with him, lacking times with him, or whatever else come's with marriage that I haven't encountered- it's just to say that I am making a commitment to follow him, serve him, and love him till the end of my days. This place probably won't be the first place where Cory or the Lord leads that I find unhappy. It's my choice to see the good and be happy in any place I am led. Any change is hard for me. Especially when it comes to moving further away from my family. But in saying those vows to Cory, I'm leaving my family and becoming a family with Cory. At the end of the day, as much love as I have for my family and as much as I will miss them, I will follow and serve diligently as a wife to Cory wherever the Lord leads him. I will support him and build him up in his choices instead of belittling him with how unhappy I am because of what I left behind. He has enough on his plate without my selfishness in being able to see what I gained by leaving. In leaving my job and my daycare setup for Benton, I gained a perfect opportunity to start becoming what God describes a wife should be in Proverbs 31. God was working behind his provisions even before I could sort out my feelings about them. 

Lets point put a few of the points Proverbs 31 describes a wife to be:

• the heart of her husband trusts in her and he will not lack anything good, she rewards him with good, not evil all the days of her life
• she selects wool and flax and works with willing hands
• she rises while it is still night and proves food for her household 
• strength and honor are her clothing and she can laugh at the time to come
• she opens her mouth with wisdom and loving instruction is on her tongue
• she watches over the activities of her household and is never idle
• her sons rise up and call her blessed and her husband also praises her

Man, talk about a standard to live up to! What a perfect time in my life to start practicing these traits and really honing in on them before I become a wife as I sure have plenty that I need to work on before becoming a wife, and even afterwards, to Cory. It's my job as a wife to reward Cory with good, to give him something to look forward to coming home to. Do I think he wants to come home and listen to me complain all night about how much I dislike this season outside of our relationship? No, and what kind of wife would I be to beat him down about what is lacking in my job or my daycare or anything else that he busts his butt to provide for us. I want to be the wife that continually praises Cory and thanks him for the hard work he puts in for our family. I want to be that wife that her husband can trust to go to work bring home money to help with bills with a smile on her face. I want to be a life partner to Cory, not just a wife. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being a stay at home mom, if your salary can afford it without your husband carrying such a stressful burden. Our salary doesn't allow me to comfortably stay at home right now and I am more than willing to contribute to alleviating Cory's stress. Works with willing hands- man that's a tough one. Cory had asked me several times to unpack a box and 2 days later it still sat on the table. He asked one more time and I came up with excuses about being tired, etc. We had worked the same amount of hours, pulled the same weight in caring for Benton, cleaned the kitchen equally after dinner so what gave me more of a reason to sit down than him? All he asked of me was to unpack a box. After thinking about the kind of wife I wanted to be to him, I unpacked the box. As much as I complained in my head, the task wasn't tedious by any means nor did it take much effort on my part and afterwards, it was nice to know I had done something to clear off one of the many plates he had juggled for days. Since Benton's daycare doesn't provide breakfast, Lord knows these past few days have started before the sun has even come up. I have to be honest though, I have felt so accomplished after cooking breakfast for my family. Starting their day off with a loving meal I provided so I knew they didn't go through the morning hungry has actually been such a blessing for me. There is something about taking care of a family that just warms my soul to the center. Now that I am in this position, I know this is what God has called me to do. Strength is a hard one for me. Cory is the strong one in our relationship. I cry like a baby while he stays strong and figures out the solutions for us. I have learned though how to work together as a partner with him in helping figure out solutions that worked for us. In being in this new season of life, I have learned to really rely on my partner to see the good in the changes. Cory has been nothing short of praiseful and encouraging about me working later. He has stepped up the the plate and knocked it out of the park in daddy duties while I am still at work. From calling the daycare to check on Benton to keeping him for an hour until I get home, the Lord has provided where I thought He came up short. I've been beating myself up about not being the one to pick Benton up but truth be told, Benton probably enjoys Cory picking him up more and that time they get together by themselves. I am lucky that we have this opportunity for Cory to be able to get him and love on him a little extra while I can't. Loving instructions.. Whew! Who knew how many instructions had to be given in child care, basic home cleaning, and dinner! And who knew how frustrating it can be to have to explain those things when they come as easily as common sense for me. Cory has never had to run a household though outside of cooking instant mashed potatoes or Ramen noodles. To him, a bag of chips and a Coke is a completely acceptable meal. I have to really keep myself in check with that though because God's provision has been financially in Cory's part of this relationship. He got blessed with the budgeting brain which is something I desperately need. In addressing Cory with how to get dinner going or how to help with Benton, I tend to cut my words really short with a sharp tongue because I just forget his brain doesn't work like mine. This is the perfect season of my life to see exactly how God's provisions are beyond my expectations. When else will I get to practice my wifely duties before becoming a wife? When else can I prove to Cory that just as much as he is a life partner to me, my exact counterpart, I am the same for him. This season of life is more than just my physical changes around me. It has been such an emotional change as well going into these worldly expectations and being greeted instead with God's spiritual expectations for me. It's a sweet season of preparation as I take on running a household, as I take on a new job, as I take on becoming a wife, but more importantly as I take on fully relying on God to open the perfect doors for me. These past few days have been some of the most emotionally challenging, but also the most eye opening as to how truly blessed I really am. I really look forward to seeing how God uses me at this new job with the skills he has equipped me with, how Benton grows with the new daycare that has already proven to be a better fit for him than his last, and how he uses me to finally be a wife to the man of my dreams. I hope instead of complaining about those extra 30 minutes, they serve as a reminder each day of how God's provisions has been more than enough to raise me up as a person, a mom, and a wife in the upcoming months.