"Lord, please provide me with a new job and a new daycare for this new season in my family's life."
That was my prayer for I know at least 2 months prior to September. Fast forward to September 10 and here I am three days into my new job. He provided. He met the expectations I prayed for. But what He provided also runs over 30 minutes from what I deem "working hours". It cuts into my mothering job in picking Benton up from daycare. It cuts into my mothering job of having dinner on the table. It moves Benton's bedtime 30 minutes later when some days, I wish it was 30 minutes earlier! What he provided is a church daycare where Benton's room is the size of a small shed out back that doesn't even serve breakfast.
God answered my prayers though, right? He met my provisions though, right?
Shouldn't I be satisfied there?
Shouldn't I look upon His provisions with thankfulness?
I feel like these last few days have been met with dread instead of thankfulness. It was Tuesday that I started this new job and things just weren't going how I planned in my mind. Drop off with Benton was a little hectic as it was his first day and we got there too early for the director or his teacher to be there. We forgot some of the stuff required in his new room. We didn't get to explain his milk allergy and what the affects are if he has milk. I get to work and the HR lady wasn't there nor was the lady I am training with. Every job I have had prior to this one wasn't really a challenge therefore I didn't expect this one to be much of a challenge. 8 hours later and I first call Cory in tears first, and then I call my trusty, always on my side, sister Jordy to complain about my day and how horrid my hours were. Could she believe I had to work until 8:30?? I can be a little overdramatic I know. It's just 30 minutes. (Have you ever sat through Ooltewah traffic in rush hour during those 30 minutes though?..) Anyway, in the midst of complaining to my sister, she tells me something personal and immediately stops me in my pity party. She has a serious, warranted disappointing day and here I am complaining because I can't work the hours I want. I had to check myself and realize that for one, I have a job. For two, I have a job that offered me a pay raise as well as a shorter commute everyday. How can I do anything but shout from the roof my praises to God for His provisions? It always takes someone else's downfall to see your blessings when you're straying from your relationship with God. That's sin. Comparing and temptation is what Satan wants from you. He not only wants your disappointment in God, he needs it to thrive like we need water or air. I've been so busy moving, stressing about new jobs and daycares, etc that my relationship has been pretty nonexistent except for the quick "thank you Lord" prayers I shoot up during my morning commute. I run down the list of things I am thankful for: my healthy child, my fiancé (which is a whole different topic below) who loves me, my friends, my vehicle, my move, etc. Not once though is this new job in there. Neither is the new daycare that God supplied.
God and disappointment do not go together. They just can't coincide. It's our own human nature that says God disappointed in his provisions because He didn't provide exactly what we imagined. I let myself be disappointed because I didn't get what my expectations were in my prayers. I started doubting myself. I started blaming Cory. "I gave up everything for you.. my great job, my great daycare, my friends at work- all to be with you". How selfish of me to first of all place my happiness in Cory. He isn't in charge of ensuring I am happy, although he does a very incredible job of making me happy. My happiness though doesn't solely stem from him. My happiness also comes from myself, my relationship with Christ, focusing on the good instead of the bad. Second of all, Cory didn't force me to move. Cory didn't force me to give up anything. I chose this. This was the next step for our relationship that I had prayed about for 2 years now. Again, our great God provided this provision for our relationship. Man, how I prayed, cried, threw tantrums, gotten angry, and even given up on praying while waiting to move forward in being Cory's wife instead of just his girlfriend and here it is without me being able to do anything but focus on what I had given up instead of what I had gained. God commands to leave your family to start a new family in Matthew 19:4-6 - "Haven't you read,' He replied, 'that He who created them in the beginning made them male and female, and He also said: For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two will become one flesh? So they are no longer two, but one flesh?". This is such a sweet, sweet season in mine and Cory's relationship as we become one. I have dreamed about this day since I had Benton and we sat up at night face timing by Benton's bilirubin light. I knew pretty quickly this was who I wanted to be Benton's role model as well as my partner in life. He had watched me in my worst but still saw the best in me. He encouraged me, prayed for me, had patience with me, but most of all, he fought for me. He never once gave up or let me give up. In thinking about this, I also thought about Ruth leaving behind her familiarities to follow Naomi after becoming a widow. Ruth's words were "do not persuade me to leave you or go back and not follow you. For wherever you go, I will go, and where you live, I will live: your people will be my people and your God will be my God. Where you die, I will die, and there I will be buried. May Yahweh punish me, and do so severely if anything but death separates you and me" in chapter 1, verses 16-17. This is exactly how I feel about Cory. Wherever Cory's job leads him, I will go. He is my home now. As we say our vows and make a commitment to each other for death do us part, I fully intend on keeping Ruth's promise in only death separating us. That isn't to say I'm not expecting hard times with him, lacking times with him, or whatever else come's with marriage that I haven't encountered- it's just to say that I am making a commitment to follow him, serve him, and love him till the end of my days. This place probably won't be the first place where Cory or the Lord leads that I find unhappy. It's my choice to see the good and be happy in any place I am led. Any change is hard for me. Especially when it comes to moving further away from my family. But in saying those vows to Cory, I'm leaving my family and becoming a family with Cory. At the end of the day, as much love as I have for my family and as much as I will miss them, I will follow and serve diligently as a wife to Cory wherever the Lord leads him. I will support him and build him up in his choices instead of belittling him with how unhappy I am because of what I left behind. He has enough on his plate without my selfishness in being able to see what I gained by leaving. In leaving my job and my daycare setup for Benton, I gained a perfect opportunity to start becoming what God describes a wife should be in Proverbs 31. God was working behind his provisions even before I could sort out my feelings about them.
Lets point put a few of the points Proverbs 31 describes a wife to be:
- the heart of her husband trusts in her and he will not lack anything good, she rewards him with good, not evil all the days of her life
- she selects wool and flax and works with willing hands
- she rises while it is still night and proves food for her household
- strength and honor are her clothing and she can laugh at the time to come
- she opens her mouth with wisdom and loving instruction is on her tongue
- she watches over the activities of her household and is never idle
- her sons rise up and call her blessed and her husband also praises her
Man, talk about a standard to live up to! What a perfect time in my life to start practicing these traits and really honing in on them before I become a wife as I sure have plenty that I need to work on before becoming a wife, and even afterwards, to Cory. It's my job as a wife to reward Cory with good, to give him something to look forward to coming home to. Do I think he wants to come home and listen to me complain all night about how much I dislike this season outside of our relationship? No, and what kind of wife would I be to beat him down about what is lacking in my job or my daycare or anything else that he busts his butt to provide for us. I want to be the wife that continually praises Cory and thanks him for the hard work he puts in for our family. I want to be that wife that her husband can trust to go to work bring home money to help with bills with a smile on her face. I want to be a life partner to Cory, not just a wife. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being a stay at home mom, if your salary can afford it without your husband carrying such a stressful burden. Our salary doesn't allow me to comfortably stay at home right now and I am more than willing to contribute to alleviating Cory's stress. Works with willing hands- man that's a tough one. Cory had asked me several times to unpack a box and 2 days later it still sat on the table. He asked one more time and I came up with excuses about being tired, etc. We had worked the same amount of hours, pulled the same weight in caring for Benton, cleaned the kitchen equally after dinner so what gave me more of a reason to sit down than him? All he asked of me was to unpack a box. After thinking about the kind of wife I wanted to be to him, I unpacked the box. As much as I complained in my head, the task wasn't tedious by any means nor did it take much effort on my part and afterwards, it was nice to know I had done something to clear off one of the many plates he had juggled for days. Since Benton's daycare doesn't provide breakfast, Lord knows these past few days have started before the sun has even come up. I have to be honest though, I have felt so accomplished after cooking breakfast for my family. Starting their day off with a loving meal I provided so I knew they didn't go through the morning hungry has actually been such a blessing for me. There is something about taking care of a family that just warms my soul to the center. Now that I am in this position, I know this is what God has called me to do. Strength is a hard one for me. Cory is the strong one in our relationship. I cry like a baby while he stays strong and figures out the solutions for us. I have learned though how to work together as a partner with him in helping figure out solutions that worked for us. In being in this new season of life, I have learned to really rely on my partner to see the good in the changes. Cory has been nothing short of praiseful and encouraging about me working later. He has stepped up the the plate and knocked it out of the park in daddy duties while I am still at work. From calling the daycare to check on Benton to keeping him for an hour until I get home, the Lord has provided where I thought He came up short. I've been beating myself up about not being the one to pick Benton up but truth be told, Benton probably enjoys Cory picking him up more and that time they get together by themselves. I am lucky that we have this opportunity for Cory to be able to get him and love on him a little extra while I can't. Loving instructions.. Whew! Who knew how many instructions had to be given in child care, basic home cleaning, and dinner! And who knew how frustrating it can be to have to explain those things when they come as easily as common sense for me. Cory has never had to run a household though outside of cooking instant mashed potatoes or Ramen noodles. To him, a bag of chips and a Coke is a completely acceptable meal. I have to really keep myself in check with that though because God's provision has been financially in Cory's part of this relationship. He got blessed with the budgeting brain which is something I desperately need. In addressing Cory with how to get dinner going or how to help with Benton, I tend to cut my words really short with a sharp tongue because I just forget his brain doesn't work like mine. This is the perfect season of my life to see exactly how God's provisions are beyond my expectations. When else will I get to practice my wifely duties before becoming a wife? When else can I prove to Cory that just as much as he is a life partner to me, my exact counterpart, I am the same for him. This season of life is more than just my physical changes around me. It has been such an emotional change as well going into these worldly expectations and being greeted instead with God's spiritual expectations for me. It's a sweet season of preparation as I take on running a household, as I take on a new job, as I take on becoming a wife, but more importantly as I take on fully relying on God to open the perfect doors for me. These past few days have been some of the most emotionally challenging, but also the most eye opening as to how truly blessed I really am. I really look forward to seeing how God uses me at this new job with the skills he has equipped me with, how Benton grows with the new daycare that has already proven to be a better fit for him than his last, and how he uses me to finally be a wife to the man of my dreams. I hope instead of complaining about those extra 30 minutes, they serve as a reminder each day of how God's provisions has been more than enough to raise me up as a person, a mom, and a wife in the upcoming months.
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