Enough.

"For am I seeking the approval of man or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ."

Galatians 1:!0

Y'all. This has been a hard week for me. The past 2 weeks have been pretty hard for me to be honest. No, actually, the past few months have actually been some of the hardest months I think I have had to endure and fight through and really look to see the goodness of God and how he is at work. From back in the fall seeing my mom recover from an abusive relationship that landed her in the hospital with over 50 stitches, broken bones, concussion, etc, to treading through deep mud with other family issues, to my Nana having a stroke this past week and watching to see how she will recover, to dealing with the demons fighting me about Benton being in daycare, to Cory and I having typical relationship squalls.. Man. This has been a tough season of life. 

I've recently started reading and really taking in the book of Job to see how I can better praise Him in the storms instead of wanting to give up on seeing his goodness. But that's not what this particular post is about. This post is about really digging deep in my insecurities to see that I am enough in God's eyes despite where I fall short in other's eyes. I guess it kind of ties in though to WHY I've felt so tested in all of the other parts of my life though- because I didn't think I was good enough for them NOT to happen to me.

For some reason, I got this invitation to the biggest pity party of the year and I decided it would be a really great decision to attend. Instead of throwing it in the garbage, I hung up this invitation on my fridge and just relinquished in it every day sinking deeper and deeper into this pit of sadness. It has been a steady dig in the trenches trying to find my way back out but I can finally see the light again I think. 

I have recently found myself answering "because they didn't see me as good enough" in a lot of problems I have been facing. That is my first go to thought. THEY didn't see me as worth enough before they said what they did, acted how they did, etc. I put the consequences of someone else's actions on my shoulders and carry it around like I had some kind of say so to begin with before they acted. My oh my, this burden has weighed my heart down, my spirit down, and my love down. Our free will is always the downfall of man. It's an ultimate lose lose situation. Sin is human nature. Our free will is naturally to choose sin, temptation, the broken path. It isn't often we stop and have the patience to wait on God. He must be a busy man with all of the working out problems He does from free will. I forget that maybe people just act on impulse without considering anyone but themselves. Not only are we sinful in nature, but most of us are selfish in nature. We don't consider other people's feelings before we indulge in self satisfaction. We don't think about the consequences to others while we're in the act of committing a sin. It isn't until after the deed has been done (whatever the deed is) that we realize. Our generation is the greatest example of  "it's easier to ask for forgiveness than for permission". It's taken a long time to realize that not everything is always my fault. Some people you just can't please. Some people you will never be enough no matter what you do. Some people will just always walk out without looking back.

I have this bad tendency of sometimes doing whatever is necessary to gain others approval just so I don't lose them. I give in. I play along. I forgive when deep down I am hurting to the core. I do things I otherwise wouldn't do so people don't walk away. 

I recently read Jefferson Bethke's book Jesus>Religion and he said the following:

"Of course, none of us would admit it so plainly, and for nineteen years of my life, I wouldn't have either, but isn't it true? Why else do we do most of the things we do? My generation is the most fatherless and insecure generation that's ever lived, and we are willing to sacrifice everything if we just can be told we are loved."

Wow. This one hit home. High school was hard for me. Extremely hard. Some of the worst memories I have in a time that was supposed to be my best. College wasn't much better. I was searching for ANYONE to just accept me and love me unconditionally, as broken as I was. This has been a constant battle in my life of recognizing Satan's voice verses God's redemption. 

. I never kept in mind I already have someone who loves me. Someone who never walked away. Someone who never chose another girl over me. Someone who never chose drugs or alcohol over me. Someone who never chose money over me. Someone who never chose himself over me. His name is Jesus. 

I was made for a purpose. I am fearfully and wonderfully made according to him and I know his word to always be true. Wonderfully. I am wonderfully made in someone else's eyes.

I have and will always be enough for him. He never stops pursuing me no matter who else passes by. In His eyes, Kate Upton and I are on the same level. He loves me and adores me just as much as he adores the girl who has always known his love for her. Mindblowing. I don't HAVE to have the perfect body. I don't HAVE to have the funniest jokes. I don't HAVE to lay down my morals for him to want me. I don't HAVE to be able to quote the entire bible word for word. He wants me as is. I am enough for him. It's a good feeling knowing I can let go of everyone else's expectations that I, in my mind, think I am supposed to meet. I don't have to worry about how I wasn't good enough and that's why _____ happened. If ____ wants to leave, its not because I'm not good enough. I am enough in my makers eyes. I am enough as a person. I am enough as a mom. 

"Everyday I wrestle with the voices that keep telling me I'm not right but that's alright;

cause I hear a voice and He calls me redeemed when other say I'll never be enough,

and greater is the One living inside of me than he who is living in the world,

there'll be days I lose the battle, grace says that it doesn't matter cause the cross already won the war,

He's greater,

I am learning to run freely, understanding just how he sees me, and it makes me love Him more and more."

Greater- Mercy Me